Funny Aging Quotes, Sayings

This list of funny aging quotes takes a humorous look at getting older, with sayings perfect for birthdays, graduations, and retirement celebrations.

Just include a humorous quote along with your birthday wishes when you sign a birthday card. Or you can take it to the next level and add a short quote on top of the birthday cake. For graduates and retirees, send them off with a toast using a funny saying. There are many ways to use these humorous getting older quotes!

10 best funny aging quotes

In the spirit of Shakespeare’s famous line, “With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come,” we present the ten best funny aging quotes as selected by our editor. Enjoy!

1.) Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you.
Ogden Nash

2.) First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.
Leo Rosenberg

3.) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
Dorothy Parker

4.) Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth.
Conan O’Brien

5.) As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.
Robert Quillen

6.) I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to.
Albert Einstein

7.) Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
Jennifer Yane

8.) Eventually you reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Will Rogers

9.) The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left.
Jerry M. Wright

10.) Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does.
J. Norman Collie

Funny aging quotes for birthday cards and celebrations

1.) There is still no cure for the common birthday.
John Glenn

2.) Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.
Unknown

3.) Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!
Kate Summers

4.) Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
Larry Lorenzoni

5.) In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order.
Robert Brault

6.) There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it.
Patrick Moore

Funny aging quotes image

Witty aging sayings

7.) It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.
Andy Rooney

8.) I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin

9.) I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
Bob Hope

10.) Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young.
Theodore Roosevelt

11.) Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
Groucho Marx

12.) There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus.
Bob Phillips

13.) Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself.
Tom Wilson

Funny aging quotes for friends and family getting older

For women: mom, sister, aunt, friend, etc.

1.) Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years.
Oscar Wilde

2.) I’ve reached the age where my brain went from ‘You probably shouldn’t say that’ to ‘What the h—, let’s see what happens.’
Unknown

3.) If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law.
Edgar Howe

4.) Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home.
Phyllis Diller

5.) A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright.
Lucille Ball

For men: dad, brother, uncle, friend, etc.

6.) Men peak at age nineteen and go downhill.
Garrison Keillor

7.) I was looking in the mirror the other day and I realized I haven’t changed much since I was in my twenties. The only difference is I look a whole lot older now.
George Carlin

8.) I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?
Barry Cryer

9.) All men are the same age.
Dorothy Parker

10.) People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.
George Burns

Funny aging quotes for milestone birthdays

Turning 30 years old birthday

1.) After 30, a body has a mind of its own.
Bette Midler

2.) You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Woody Allen

3.) Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
Caryn Leschen

4.) I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed.
Unknown

Turning 40 years old birthday

5.) Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.
Dave Barry

6.) Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
Charles Schulz

7.) She said she was approaching forty and I couldn’t help but wonder from which direction.
Bob Hope

8.) At twenty years of age the will reigns; at thirty, the wit; and at forty, the judgment.
Benjamin Franklin

Albert Einstein funny aging quote

Turning 50 years old birthday

9.) Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!
Dave Barry

10.) Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
Phyllis Diller

11.) Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty.
Alexander Hamilton

12.) The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.
T.S. Elliot

13.) At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves.
George Orwell

14.) I’m aiming by the time I’m fifty to stop being an adolescent.
Charles Caleb Colton

15.) I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate.
Nancy Astor

Turning 60 years old birthday

16.) I’m 60 years of age. That’s 16 Celsius.
George Carlin

17.) At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.
Ann Landers

18.) Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty.
Joan Rivers

19.) When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile.
George Burns

20.) Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up.
John Wagner

Funny aging quotes about age and beauty

1.) I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
Rita Rudner

2.) I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror.
Cherie Lunghi

3.) There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye.
Nora Ephron

4.) Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
Phyllis Diller

5.) I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
Bob Hope

6.) I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past.
Robert Brault

Age and health quotes

1.) As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don’t.
Carrie Fisher

2.) We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary.
C.S. Lewis

3.) The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Lucille Ball

4.) The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good spit it out.
Unknown

5.) I stay away from natural foods. At my age, I need all the preservatives I can get.
George Burns

6.) I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved.
Rose Kennedy

Age and romance

1.) I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do.
Phyllis Diller

2.) At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for.
Unknown

3.) An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
Agatha Christie

Age and memory sayings

1.) The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget.
Unknown

2.) As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.
Sir Norman Wisdom

3.) At my age, I’ve heard it all; I’ve seen it all; and I’ve done it all. I just can’t remember it all.
Unknown

4.) By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.
George Burns

Inside every older person quote

Age doesn’t matter quotes

1.) We don’t grow older, we grow riper.
Pablo Picasso

2.) I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you.
Andy Rooney

3.) Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.
Luis Bunuel

4.) Growing old is compulsory—growing up is optional.
Bob Monkhouse

Act your age quotes

1.) You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
Ogden Nash

2.) How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you was?
Satchel Paige

3.) Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.
Walt Disney

4.) Sometimes the sins you haven’t committed are all you have left to hold onto.
David Sedaris

5.) I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Tom Stoppard

6.) Age is not how old you are but how many years of fun you’ve had.
Matt Maldre

7.) To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.
Oscar Wilde

8.) As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.
David Sedaris

9.) The old begin to complain of the conduct of the young when they themselves are no longer able to set a bad example.
François de la Rochefoucauld

You know you’re getting old when

1.) You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns

2.) You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Bob Hope

3.) When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots.
Larry David

4.) You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
Hy Gardner

5.) The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Will Rogers

6.) When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.
Mark Twain

7.) You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
John Mendoza

8.) You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Joel Plaskett

Middle age: funny aging quotes

1.) Youth is when you are allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you are forced to.
William Vaughan

2.) Middle age: Later than you think, and sooner than you expected.
Earl Wilson

3.) Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that’ll get you home earlier.
Dan Bennett

4.) Middle age is when a guy starts turning off lights for economical rather than romantic reasons.
Eli Cass

5.) Middle age is that awkward period when Father Time starts catching up with Mother Nature.
Harold Coffin

6.) There are three ages of man: youth, middle age, and ‘you’re looking well.’
Red Skelton

7.) My midlife crisis in two sentences: Where am I going to park? Where did I park?
Unknown

8.) The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you’ll grow out of it.
Doris Day

9.) Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
Bob Hope

10.) The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.
Oscar Wilde

Funny getting older quote by Dorothy Parker

Old age: funny aging quotes

1.) Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

2.) Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternative.
Maurice Chevalier

3.) Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it.
Golda Meir

4.) I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere.
George Burns

5.) Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster too.
Lionel Kauffman

6.) Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
George Burns

7.) Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.
Kitty O’Neill Collins

8.) Old age comes at a bad time.
San Banducci

9.) There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure.
Dennis Wolfberg

10.) A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’
Claude Pepper

Short funny aging quotes

1.) The older I get, the better I used to be.
Lee Trevino

2.) Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs.
Charles Dickens

3.) Age is a h— of a price to pay for wisdom.
George Carlin

4.) Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.
Benjamin Franklin

5.) Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Tom Stoppard

6.) It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle.
Unknown

7.) No man is ever old enough to know better.
Holbrook Jackson

8.) I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued.
Bill Dane

9.) At my age, flowers scare me.
George Burns

Famous funny aging quotes

1.) Whether it’s the best of times or the worst of times, it’s the only time we’ve got.
Art Buchwald

Benjamin Franklin sayings about getting older

2.) I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.
Benjamin Franklin

3.) Life’s Tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.
Benjamin Franklin

4.) I guess I don’t so much mind being old, as I mind being fat and old.
Benjamin Franklin

Mark Twain quotes about aging

5.) The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.
Mark Twain

6.) Age is a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.
Mark Twain (also attributed to Satchel Paige)

7.) Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
Mark Twain

8.) I was young and foolish then; now I am old and foolisher.
Mark Twain

9.) Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
Mark Twain

10.) When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
Mark Twain

Oscar Wilde getting older quotes

11.) To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.
Oscar Wilde

12.) One should never trust a woman who tells one her real age. A woman who would tell one that would tell one anything.
Oscar Wilde

13.) No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating.
Oscar Wilde


In conclusion, we leave you with this sentiment from the playwright George Bernard Shaw, “You don’t stop laughing when you grow old, you grow old when you stop laughing.”

We hope you enjoyed this look at the best funny aging quotes and sayings. Be sure to check out these other quote lists:

Graduation Advice Quotes

Marriage Quotes