Funny Aging Quotes, Sayings
This list of funny aging quotes takes a humorous look at getting older, with sayings perfect for birthdays, graduations, and retirement celebrations.
Just include a humorous quote along with your birthday wishes when you sign a birthday card. Or you can take it to the next level and add a short quote on top of the birthday cake. For graduates and retirees, send them off with a toast using a funny saying. There are many ways to use these humorous getting older quotes!
10 best funny aging quotes
In the spirit of Shakespeare’s famous line, “With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come,” we present the ten best funny aging quotes as selected by our editor. Enjoy!
1.) Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you.
2.) First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.
3.) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
4.) Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth.
5.) As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.
6.) I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to.
7.) Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
8.) Eventually you reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
9.) The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left.
Jerry M. Wright
10.) Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does.
J. Norman Collie
Funny aging quotes for birthday cards and celebrations
1.) There is still no cure for the common birthday.
2.) Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.
3.) Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!
4.) Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
5.) In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order.
6.) There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it.
Witty aging sayings
7.) It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.
8.) I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.
9.) I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
10.) Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young.
11.) Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
12.) There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus.
13.) Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself.
Funny aging quotes for friends and family getting older
For women: mom, sister, aunt, friend, etc.
1.) Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years.
2.) I’ve reached the age where my brain went from ‘You probably shouldn’t say that’ to ‘What the h—, let’s see what happens.’
3.) If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law.
4.) Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home.
5.) A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright.
For men: dad, brother, uncle, friend, etc.
6.) Men peak at age nineteen and go downhill.
7.) I was looking in the mirror the other day and I realized I haven’t changed much since I was in my twenties. The only difference is I look a whole lot older now.
8.) I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?
9.) All men are the same age.
10.) People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.
Funny aging quotes for milestone birthdays
Turning 30 years old birthday
1.) After 30, a body has a mind of its own.
2.) You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
3.) Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
4.) I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed.
Turning 40 years old birthday
5.) Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.
6.) Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
7.) She said she was approaching forty and I couldn’t help but wonder from which direction.
8.) At twenty years of age the will reigns; at thirty, the wit; and at forty, the judgment.
Turning 50 years old birthday
9.) Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!
10.) Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
11.) Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty.
12.) The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.
13.) At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves.
14.) I’m aiming by the time I’m fifty to stop being an adolescent.
Charles Caleb Colton
15.) I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate.
Turning 60 years old birthday
16.) I’m 60 years of age. That’s 16 Celsius.
17.) At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.
18.) Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty.
19.) When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile.
20.) Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up.
Funny aging quotes about age and beauty
1.) I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
2.) I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror.
3.) There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye.
4.) Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
5.) I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
6.) I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past.
Age and health quotes
1.) As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don’t.
2.) We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary.
3.) The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
4.) The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good spit it out.
5.) I stay away from natural foods. At my age, I need all the preservatives I can get.
6.) I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved.
Age and romance
1.) I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do.
2.) At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for.
3.) An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
Age and memory sayings
1.) The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget.
2.) As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.
Sir Norman Wisdom
3.) At my age, I’ve heard it all; I’ve seen it all; and I’ve done it all. I just can’t remember it all.
4.) By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.
Age doesn’t matter quotes
1.) We don’t grow older, we grow riper.
2.) I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you.
3.) Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.
4.) Growing old is compulsory—growing up is optional.
Act your age quotes
1.) You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
2.) How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you was?
3.) Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.
4.) Sometimes the sins you haven’t committed are all you have left to hold onto.
5.) I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
6.) Age is not how old you are but how many years of fun you’ve had.
7.) To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.
8.) As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.
9.) The old begin to complain of the conduct of the young when they themselves are no longer able to set a bad example.
François de la Rochefoucauld
10.) Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.
You know you’re getting old when
1.) You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
2.) You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
3.) When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots.
4.) You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
5.) The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
6.) When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.
7.) You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
8.) You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Middle age: funny aging quotes
1.) Youth is when you are allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you are forced to.
2.) Middle age: Later than you think, and sooner than you expected.
3.) Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that’ll get you home earlier.
4.) Middle age is when a guy starts turning off lights for economical rather than romantic reasons.
5.) Middle age is that awkward period when Father Time starts catching up with Mother Nature.
6.) There are three ages of man: youth, middle age, and ‘you’re looking well.’
7.) My midlife crisis in two sentences: Where am I going to park? Where did I park?
8.) The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you’ll grow out of it.
9.) Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
10.) The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.
Old age: funny aging quotes
1.) Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
Oliver Wendell Holmes
2.) Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternative.
3.) Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it.
4.) I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere.
5.) Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster too.
6.) Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
7.) Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.
Kitty O’Neill Collins
8.) Old age comes at a bad time.
9.) There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure.
10.) A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’
Short funny aging quotes
1.) The older I get, the better I used to be.
2.) Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs.
3.) Age is a h— of a price to pay for wisdom.
4.) Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.
5.) Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
6.) It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle.
7.) No man is ever old enough to know better.
8.) I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued.
9.) At my age, flowers scare me.
Famous funny aging quotes
1.) Whether it’s the best of times or the worst of times, it’s the only time we’ve got.
Benjamin Franklin sayings about getting older
2.) I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.
3.) Life’s Tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.
4.) I guess I don’t so much mind being old, as I mind being fat and old.
Mark Twain quotes about aging
5.) The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.
6.) Age is a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.
Mark Twain (also attributed to Satchel Paige)
7.) Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
8.) I was young and foolish then; now I am old and foolisher.
9.) Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
10.) When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
Oscar Wilde getting older quotes
11.) To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.
12.) One should never trust a woman who tells one her real age. A woman who would tell one that would tell one anything.
13.) No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating.
In conclusion, we leave you with this sentiment from the playwright George Bernard Shaw, “You don’t stop laughing when you grow old, you grow old when you stop laughing.”
We hope you enjoyed this look at the best funny aging quotes and sayings. Be sure to check out these other quote lists: