Funny Ron Swanson Quotes

You’ll enjoy the deadpan wit and stoic manliness of these Ron Swanson quotes and sayings.

  • Who: Ron Swanson (the fictional character played by actor Nick Offerman) – master of woodworking, libertarian, unrepentant carnivore. Known for his unabashed masculinity, deadpan delivery, and interest in novels about tall ships.
  • What: Parks and Recreation – a satirical TV sitcom about the goings-on at the Parks Department in the fictional town of Pawnee, Indiana.
  • Why: In Ron’s words, “I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.”
  • Where: NBC
  • When: April 9, 2009 to February 24, 2015

The best Ron Swanson quotes

Enter the world of Ron Swanson, director of the Pawnee Parks and Recreation Department.

1. Funniest Ron Swanson quotes

Sting like a bee, but do not float like a butterfly. That’s ridiculous.

That’s your will? You need that many pages to say, “Give my stuff to my wife”?

Stop wasting helium. It is intended for welding and filling air ships.

There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.

On principal, I never say anything that another person is obviously trying to get me to say. My first wedding ceremony took two hours, because after the priest said “Repeat after me” I fell silent.

Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are useless.

On technology: You can’t hack into a typewriter. That’s all I have to say.

I like Andy. I’m surrounded by a lot of women in this department. And that includes the men.

Short one-liners

The three most important people in a man’s life are his barber, his butcher, and his lover.

I’ve had the same will since I was eight years old.

Friends: one to three is sufficient.

Is Star Wars the one with the little wizard boy?

I wish this office had only walls.

People who buy things are suckers.

Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.

People are idiots, Leslie.

Never half-a** two things. Whole-a** one thing.

Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.

I hate riddles and other such nonsense, I want that on the record.

The three most useless jobs in the world are, in order, lawyer, congressman, and doctor.

Ron Swanson quotes image

2. Ron Swanson quotes about food

When I eat, it is the food that is scared.

I love Food and Stuff. It’s where I buy all of my food… And most of my stuff.

This hotel always serves bacon-wrapped shrimp. That’s my number one favorite food wrapped around my number three favorite food.

Why is everyone else so bad at eating?

If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.

Well, in my opinion, not enough people have looked their dinner in the eyes and considered the circle of life. This is your dinner. His name is Tom.

(Asked if he wants a salad) Since I am not a rabbit, no I do not.

Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing.

You’ve accidentally given me the food that my food eats.

Meat lover sayings

If it doesn’t have meat, it’s a snack.

You had me at ‘Meat Tornado.’

I’ll take that steak to go. Please and thank you.

An ideal night out, to me, is stepping onto my porch area and grilling up a thick slab of something’s flesh and then popping in a highlight reel from the WNBA.

Turkey can never beat cow.

Barbecues should be about one thing: good shared meat.

Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life.

I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.

I have accrued 225 personal days starting right now I’m using all of them. While I’m gone you’re in charge. Also, I keep a sizable supply of ground chuck in my desk. Remove it or it will begin to smell. Godspeed.

Breakfast

There has never been a sadness that can’t be cured by breakfast food.

Breakfast food can serve many purposes.

Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait, wait. I worry what you just heard was, “Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.” What I said was, “Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.” Do you understand?

I am submitting this menu from a Pawnee institution, J.J.’s Diner. Home of the world’s best breakfast dish: The Four Horsemeals of the Eggporkalypse.

3. Being Ron Swanson quotes

Stoic sayings

I would rather bleed out than sit here and talk about my feelings for 10 minutes.

Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.

I prefer quality over flash — that’s why I refuse to write my signature in cursive.

Well, I am usually not one for speeches. So good-bye.

I like saying ‘No,’ it lowers their enthusiasm.

Keep your tears in your eyes—where they belong.

Metaphors? I hate metaphors. That’s why my favorite book is Moby Dick. No froufrou symbolism. Just a good, simple tale about a man who hates an animal.

Live your life how you want, but don’t confuse drama with happiness.

If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.

I’ve cried twice in my life. Once when I was 7 and hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li’l Sebastian had passed.

A private man

We will get along just fine, though hopefully not too fine, because I am not looking for any new friends. End speech.

What religion am I? Well, I’m a practicing ‘none-of-your-[bleeping]-business.’

Everyone, I’d like to introduce you to my son, John middle name redacted Swanson. John was born some time ago, weighing multiple pounds and several ounces. Much like his father, he is a fan of silence. Please keep your voices down.

When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.

I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.

Manly-man sayings

I was born ready. I’m Ron [bleeping] Swanson.

Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.

There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.

I have a hernia. I’ve had it for a while, and I’ve been ignoring it successfully. But uh, this morning, I made the mistake of sneezing. But as long as I sit still and don’t move my head or torso, I’m good. I got this.

Creativity is for people with glasses who like to lie.

On allergies: Cowardice and weak-willed men… and hazelnuts.

On bowling: Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.

Passing the buck. The last refuge of the cowardly and blackhearted.

Woodworking quotes

There’s more than one crib tree in a forest. That’s not a lesson, by the way, just a comment on lumber availability.

My son is several weeks old. He is very familiar with the sound of power tools.

I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.

Say what you want about organized religion, but those bastards knew how to construct an edifice.

About nature

It’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can go outside and stand in it.

On fishing and hunting

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish and you feed yourself. He’s a grown man. Fishing’s not that hard.

Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.

Parks and Rec cast:

  • Amy Poehler as Leslie Knope
  • Nick Offerman as Ron Swanson
  • Aubrey Plaza as April Ludgate
  • Rashida Jones as Ann Perkins
  • Chris Pratt as Andy Dwyer
  • Adam Scott as Ben Wyatt
  • Aziz Ansari as Tom Haverford
  • Retta as Donna Meagle
  • Jim O’Heir as Jerry Gergich
  • Rob Lowe as Chris Traeger

4. Ron Swanson quotes about love

My first ex-wife’s name is Tammy, my second ex-wife’s name is Tammy, and my mom’s name is Tamara. She goes by Tammy.

Romance

On nights like this when the cold winds blow, the air is awash in the swirling eddies of our dream, come with me and find safe haven in a warm bathtub full of my jazz.

I attended prom with Susan Hofler. Picked her up in my truck, we slow-danced to a Merle Haggard song, and then I left early to go to my shift at the quarry. I was 12 years old. Never went again. Felt like I had outgrown it.

Fatherhood

I love being a father but there are a few things I miss: Silence. The absence of noise. One single moment undisturbed by the sounds of a children’s program called “Doc McStuffins.” There is no quiet anymore. There is only “Doc McStuffins.”

5. Ron Swanson quotes about life

You chose a thankless job, you can’t be upset when nobody thanks you. Don’t start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness.

I have to nap up. If I don’t get a solid five, it kills my sunny disposition.

Encapsulate the spirit of melancholy. Easy. Boom, a sad desk. Boom, sad wall. It’s art. Anything is anything.

Inspirational

Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.

That is a canvas sheet, the most versatile object known to man. It can be used to make tents, backpacks, shoes, stretchers, sails, tarpaulins, and I suppose, in the most dire of circumstances, it can be a surface on which to make art.

America

America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio.

History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.

Haha, “Euro-trash,” I like that. That is indeed a garbage continent.

Work

I work hard to make sure my department is as small and as ineffective as possible.

There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.

Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night, if it meant nothing got done.

It’s always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.

I like Tom. He doesn’t do a lot of work around here. He shows zero initiative. He’s not a team player. He’s never wanted to go that extra mile. Tom is exactly what I’m looking for in a government employee.

6. Ron Swanson quotes about government

There is only one bad word: taxes.

When I walked in this morning and saw that the flag was half-mast, I thought ‘All right, another bureaucrat ate it!’

My name is Ron Swanson. I’m going to tell you everything you need to know about the miserable screwed up world of local government.

Busy? Impossible. I work for the government.

My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he’s allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe… when he desires them.

I think that all government is a waster of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely by for-profit corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model.

About capitalism

Capitalism is the only way, Leslie. It moves our country forward. It’s what makes America great. And England okay and France terrible.

I’d wish you the best of luck but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.

Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.


Let’s wrap it up with a last word from Ron Swanson that sums it all up: “I regret nothing. The end.” Be sure to check out these other fun quote lists:

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