Funny Dating Quotes and Love Sayings

Being single and out in the dating world is full of humorous takes. We found many of them and added them to our list of quotations.

Funny dating quotes? There’s a million of ‘em. Why? Perhaps no other topic in the course of human events provides as much fodder for humor as romantic relationships. It seems that folks just really don’t understand each other, and that makes it ripe for comedic insights.

Here are some of our favorite, funny dating quotes.

Funny Dating Quotes

Emo Philips quote on dating image

  • My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
    Emo Philips

Employees make the best date image

  • Employees make the best dates. You don’t have to pick them up and they’re always tax-deductible.
    Andy Warhol

Jim Gaffigan quote on being single meme

  • Isn’t it strange — when you’re single, all you see is couples, and when you’re part of a couple, all you see are hookers.
    Jim Gaffigan

Rodney Dangerfield on dating schoolteachers image

  • I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
    Rodney Dangerfield

Mitch Hedberg quote on girlfriend image

  • I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
    Mitch Hedberg

Lovable Quotes

Dating a man is like flying a kite image

  • Dating a man is like flying a kite. You only need to know when to wind up the string or let it out.
    Jenna Alatari

Funny quotation on speed dating image

  • Workshops and seminars are basically financial speed dating for clueless people.
    Doug Coupland

Garry Shandling joke on his girlfriend image

  • I’m dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.
    Garry Shandling 

Humorous quotation on romantic interest image

  • I don’t always know when someone is attracted to me, but when I do, it’s two years later.

Ridiculous Dating Insights

  • Everybody knows the pressure of a first date: Searching for that perfect outfit. Hunting for ways to be engaging. Dissecting each detail when it’s over to check for mistakes. Dating can make even the most confident person lose his cool.
    Kelly Starling

  • I don’t make mistakes…I date them.

  • When he said he lived in a gated community, I didn’t consider a jail as one.

  • There’s plenty of fish in the sea, I’m just no good at fishing.

  • I saw a beautiful couple working out together, and couldn’t help but hope that someday I’d find someone who will hate them with me some day.

  • What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is there aren’t many job interviews where you’ll wind up naked.
    Jerry Seinfeld

Relationship Takes

  • My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name “Lynn.” My old girlfriend’s name is Lyn, too, but she spells it “Lyn.” Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend’s name, and she can tell because I don’t say “n” as long.
    Mitch Hedberg

  • There’s only two people in the world you should lie to: the police and your girlfriend.
    Jack Nicholson

  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
    Steven Wright

  • Relationships are like triathalons which are also very stupid.

  • Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with?
    Rita Rudner

  • Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.
    Albert Einstein

  • Whenever I want a really nice meal, I start dating again.
    Susan Healy

Not Just Friends

  • My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy, so I came back drunk.

  • I was dating a guy for a while because he told me he had an incurable disease. I didn’t realize it was stupidity.
    Gracie Hart

  • I hate first dates. I made the mistake of telling my date a lie about myself, and she caught me – I didn’t think she’d actually demand to see the bat cave.
    Alex Reed

Relationship Woes

  • My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.
    Rita Rudner

  • My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
    Joan Rivers

  • Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.
    Richard Jeni

  • My father always said, ‘Be the kind they marry, not the kind they date.’ So on our first date I’d nag the guy for a new dishwasher.
    Kris McGaha

  • Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
    Bob Ettinger

Check out What Becomes of the Brokenhearted and other top Motown Tracks.

Quotations About Dating

  • Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to the capitalist mode of production.
    Herbert Marcuse

  • What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
    Cindy Gardner

  • Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humor in the woman.
    Oscar Wilde

  • Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
    Chelsea Handler

  • Valentine’s Day is being marketed as a Date Movie. I think it’s more of a First-Date Movie. If your date likes it, do not date that person again. And if you like it, there may not be a second date.
    Roger Ebert

  • I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.
    Tracy Smith

Note: These funny love quotes make great photo captions for friends and family.

Funny Sayings on Romance

  • To keep your marriage brimming; With love in the loving cup… Whenever you’re wrong admit it; Whenever you’re right, shut up.
    Ogden Nash

  • Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.
    Helen Rowland

  • There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach.
    Barbara Hower

  • I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
    Rita Rudner

  • You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
    Henny Youngman

  • When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.
    Richard Lewis

  • Love at first sight is possible, but it pays to take a second look.

  • Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.
    Richard Jeni

  • Romance is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

  • Where love is the case, the doctor is an ass.
    English Proverb

  • My father always said, ‘Be the kind they marry, not the kind they date.’ So on our first date I’d nag the guy for a new dishwasher.
    Kris McGaha

  • Romance is like a Rhino, short-sighted, but always willing to find a way.

Funny Dating Quotes on Romance

  • A kiss is a rosy dot over the ‘I’ of loving.
    Cerano de Bergerac

  • What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork.
    Pearl Bailey

  • My wife and I were happy for 20 years – then we met.
    Rodney Dangerfield

  • True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
    Erich Segal

  • The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing.
    Blaise Pascal

  • Come live in my heart, and pay no rent.
    Samuel Lover

  • An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
    Agatha Christie

  • Romance is the icing, but love is the cake.

  • Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one.
    Fran Lebowitz

  • If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
    Alan King

  • I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
    David Bissonette

  • It is with true love as it is with ghosts; everyone talks about it, but few have seen it.
    Francois De La Rochefoucauld

  • If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something.
    Fran Lebowitz

  • When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.
    Molly Mcgee

  • Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
    Christopher Marlowe


  • I saw that you were perfect and I loved you. Then I saw that you were not perfect and I loved you even more.
    Angelita Lim

Funny Love Quotes

  • Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.
    Joan Crawford

  • Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

  • I’ve been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog.
    Wendy Liebman

  • Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on x-rays, but you it’s there.
    George Burns

  • You can’t blame gravity for falling in love.
    Albert Einstein

  • I want a man who is kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?
    Zsa Zsa Gabor

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