Funny Marriage Advice Quotes
Laughter and love go hand-in-hand, so sprinkle funny marriage advice quotes throughout the wedding festivities for a celebration that’s as joyous as it is relatable.
This list features comedic wisdom and sage advice about the bonds of matrimony from a broad range of brilliant minds including comedians, writers, celebrities, and more.
So whether you’re looking for a clever line for your wedding speech or a guaranteed laugh for your toast to the newlyweds, this is your one-stop shop for the funniest marriage advice quotes ever uttered. Enjoy!
Best funny marriage advice quotes for newlyweds
1. Marriage is not just spiritual communion. It is also remembering to take out the trash.
Dr. Joyce Brothers
2. After about 15 years I finally figured out that she’s always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that.
3. Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.
4. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
5. An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
6. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Funny marriage advice quotes for best man speech
7. Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.
8. Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.
9. A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late.
10. You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!
11. When your wife asks you for your opinion, she doesn’t really want your opinion. She wants her opinion — just in a deeper voice.
T. Rafael Cimino
12. The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.
13. A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month.
14. Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?
Advice for couples
15. Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain’t so hot.
16. Make sure you have date night even if it’s once in a blue moon because most of the time you’re just too tired and you’d actually prefer to sleep.
17. Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time.
18. Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
19. I married for love, but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.
20. Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
21. We have a couple of rules in our relationship. The first rule is that I make her feel like she’s getting everything. The second rule is that I actually do let her have her way in everything. And, so far, it’s working.
22. Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings… and lawyers.
Old fashioned advice
23. It is sometimes essential for a husband and a wife to quarrel — they get to know each other better.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
24. We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations — we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
25. Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
26. There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
27. I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.
Lyndon B. Johnson
28. Because I always say, if you’re married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you’re doing really good!
29. Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.
30. Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.
Short funny marriage advice quotes
31. The secret to a good marriage is to be a little deaf.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg
32. Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
33. Marriage is not kick-boxing, it’s salsa dancing.
34. Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.
35. A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.
H. L. Mencken
36. Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
37. Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.
38. When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.
39. Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.
40. One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms.
41. The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.
42. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him.
43. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
44. God’s great cosmic joke on the human race was requiring that men and women live together in marriage.
45. The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’
46. Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage — they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
47. Most of a husband’s life is spent in doing research on his wife.
48. Husbands are like fires — they go out when unattended.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
49. Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.
50. Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
51. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
52. A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short.
53. Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
54. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
55. Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.
56. We got married: society’s solution to loneliness, lust and laundry.
57. Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.
58. The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.
59. Before marriage, a man will lie awake thinking about something you said; after marriage, he’ll fall asleep before you finish saying it.
60. Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?
61. A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.
62. I can’t make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75.
63. My wife and I have been married for 21 years, and without a doubt, the hardest times we’ve faced were those times when we hated each other.
64. Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; marriage is also three meals a day and remembering to carry the trash out.
65. We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.
66. A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked.
67. What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.
68. Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner — just so they can have the last word.
Famous funny marriage advice quotes
69. By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you will be a philosopher.
70. Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.
George Bernard Shaw
71. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
72. Michelle’s like Beyoncé in that song, ‘Let me upgrade ya!’ She upgraded me.
73. We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.
74. My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me.
75. To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.
76. When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
77. I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too — for being married so many times.
78. Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed.
From movies & TV
79. If you’re thinking of getting married, you might as well learn right now that you have to let women be women.
80. I’m not a smart man, but I know what love is.
81. Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature.
Donatella in Letters to Juliet
82. Marriage is like a tense, unfunny, version of ‘Everybody Loves Raymond.’ Only it doesn’t last 22. It lasts forever.
Pete in Knocked Up
83. If you’re ever with a girl that’s too good for you, marry her.
How to use funny marriage advice quotes
Laughter is the universal language, so use these quotes to weave joy into every corner of your celebration, from wedding speeches and toasts to decorations and decor.
- Newlyweds – Honor the new couple with a laugh in your wedding speech or toast.
- Best man speech – Weave wise and hilarious marriage advice throughout your speech.
- Bridesmaid speech – Sneak in an inside joke to connect with the bride.
- Wedding party toast – Use a short quote to toast the new couple with a laugh.
- Bridal shower – Use quotes as icebreakers or decorations about the humorous side of marriage.
- Wedding reception – Make the reception memorable with laughter.
- Wedding gift card message – Include some funny and wise advice in your message to the newlyweds.
- Congratulations message – Pen a heartfelt congratulations message with a humorous twist.
- Wishes and blessings – Share a playful blessing at the beginning of the new couple’s journey.
- Decor and signage – Use funny sayings and quotes to enhance wedding reception decor.
Thanks for reading these funny marriage advice quotes. Looking for more? Check out these wedding lists:
By Greg Johnson | Published 12/21/2023