Short Funny Quotes, Amusing Sayings

Humorous takes on life, love, work and more!

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Use these short funny quotes to spice up a presentation, add punch to a social media post or just get a chuckle out of your friends! Topics cover everything from everyday life to relationships and achievement—expressed in as few words as possible.

Short Funny Quotes About Love, Life, Work & More!

Dorothy Parker once stated, “Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.” In that spirit, we present the following quotations to exercise your mind and put a smile on your face.

Quick Menu:
  1. Love & Relationship
  2. Women
  3. Men
  4. Health & Beauty
  5. Parenting
  6. Achievement
  7. Family & Friends
  8. School
  9. Food & Drink
  10. Life & Living
  11. Life Lessons
  12. Quirky & Odd

Love & Relationship Quotations

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Funny marriage quote

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Groucho Marx


Funny love quote

When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
Richard Lewis


Funny sex quote

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
Woody Allen


Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice.
Otto von Bismarck  


Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld


Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
Robert Frost


Birth control joke

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Joan Rivers


Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something.
Enid Blyton


I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Woody Allen


I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx


If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?
Cynthia Heimel


Check out more short love quotes.

More short relationship sayings

Marriage saying

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood


Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
R. D. Laing


I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
Jack Benny


Marriage…it’s not a word, it’s a sentence.
Rodney Dangerfield


Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Woody Allen


Couple fighting quote

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller


Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill


Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
Bill Maher


Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.
Woody Allen


Short Funny Quotes About Women

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Woman's mind quote

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s; She changes it more often.
Oliver Herford


Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carrey


Man has his will, but woman has her way.
Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.


Shopping quote

Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.
Oscar Wilde


Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.
Groucho Marx


Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.
Desmond Morris


Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
James Thurber


There are only three things women need in life: food, water and compliments.
Chris Rock


Women superiority joke

I hate women because they always know where things are.
Voltaire


Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
Oscar Wilde


High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.
Christopher Morley


If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
Hillary Clinton


I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
Steve Martin


Coffee, chocolate, men. The richer the better!


About Men

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Funny relationship quote

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.
Molly McGee


A man in love is like a clipped coupon – it’s time to cash in.
Mae West


Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld


Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.
Kathy Lette


Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!
Groucho Marx


All men are equal before fish.
Herbert Hoover


New wife quote

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Philip


We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.
George Bernard Shaw


When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner


The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
Natalie Wood


Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Groucho Marx


A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor


About Health & Beauty

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Funny dieting quote

Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.
Jessica Simpson


I’m in shape. Round is a shape.
George Carlin


Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain


I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield


You’re only as good as your last haircut.
Fran Lebowitz


Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Mark Twain


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Redd Foxx


Jogging joke

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
Joan Rivers  


My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
Caroline Rhea


Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
Mark Twain


More beauty sayings

  • If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.
  • I just want my stomach to be as flat as my ass. 
  • Finally my winter fat is done. Now I have spring rolls.
  • Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.

About Parenting

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Amusing parenting quote

A two-year old is kind of like a blender, but you don’t have any top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld


If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.
Ann Landers


Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.
Margaret Culkin Banning


If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Milton Berle


Funny parenting quote

Never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck


When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Rodney Dangerfield


About Achievement

Witty short quotes about money, career and work.

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Amusing work saying

Work hard, nap hard.
Demi Lovato


Nothing is creepier than a bunch of adults being very quiet.
Tina Fey


A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. Fields


Funny achievement quote

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.
Zach Galifianakis


There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry Kissinger


I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.
Robin Williams


I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.
Henny Youngman


A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
Samuel Goldwyn


If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
George Carlin


Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
John F. Kennedy


Hard work joke

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?
Ronald Reagan


Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
John Wayne


A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope


Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
John Barrymore


I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.
Thomas A. Edison


Quirky quips on achievement

Funny money quote

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Oscar Wilde


Have no fear of perfection. You’ll never reach it.
Salvador Dali


The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.
John Maynard Keynes


A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle


I’d rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort.
J. Paul Getty


Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
Ronald Reagan


Funny taxes quote

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.
Bill Murray


The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
Will Rogers


If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Earl Wilson


Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.
Ellen DeGeneres


Aren’t we all striving to be overpaid for what we do?
Will Ferrell


Leaving work joke

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
Charles Lamb


Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Bertrand Russell


They say love is more important than money… Have you tried paying your bills with a hug?
Dave Chappelle


It’s only because of their stupidity that they’re able to be so sure of themselves.
Franz Kafka


Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain


More achievement sayings

  • My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5.
  • I am not lazy. I am on energy saving mode.
  • What was your key motivation for this piece? The due date.
  • I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
  • I’m sorry. I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.
  • I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.

About Family & Friendship

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Family tree joke

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield


Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns


Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.
Greg Tamblyn


Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde


Humorous family quote

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett


A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.


As your best friend I’ll always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing.


About School

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Children joke

Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.
Stephen Colbert


We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Bryan White


A child educated only at school is an uneducated child.
George Santayana


I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.
Bill Watterson


All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel


Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.
Daniel J. Boorstin


You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.
Bill Watterson


My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.


About Food & Drink

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Funny food quote

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Miles Kington


Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin


I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
Mitch Hedberg


I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright


I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth


One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
George Carlin


Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
Jim Davis


Funny drinking quote

I drink to make other people more interesting.
Ernest Hemingway


An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.
Dylan Thomas


My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Mike Myers


Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something.
Mitch Hedberg


Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
Wilhelm II


If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge.


Short Funny Quotes About Life & Living

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Funny quotes about life

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Woody Allen


You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.
Jim Carrey


The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Al McGuire


Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain


My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.
Ashleigh Brilliant


Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
Josh Billings


Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Mark Twain


Elvis impersonator joke

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson


Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
Katharine Hepburn


The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Abraham Lincoln


The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.
Paul Fix


I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.
Scott Adams


I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde


To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
Paul R. Ehrlich


I am only human, although I regret it.
Mark Twain


Humorous thoughts on life and living

Funny thoughts about life

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.
Rob Corddry


Great art is the contempt of a great man for small art.
F. Scott Fitzgerald


There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Oscar Levant


God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
Naguib Mahfouz


May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
George Carlin


It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!
Steven Weinberg


I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
Mark Twain


I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money.
Pablo Picasso


Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.
Oliver Goldsmith


I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin


He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.
Charles de Gaulle


What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.
Oscar Levant


I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.
Peter Cook


Funny life takes

Life purpose joke

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
David Letterman


If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Groucho Marx


Political correctness is tyranny with manners.
Charlton Heston


If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
Mitch Hedberg


Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.
James Thurber


When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.
Jane Wagner


Being clever quote

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
Oscar Wilde


All generalizations are false, including this one.
Mark Twain


Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Elbert Hubbard


Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.
Gertrude Stein


People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Isaac Asimov


Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.
Yogi Berra


Hilarious takes on life

Funny life takes

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams


Reality continues to ruin my life.
Bill Watterson


Puns are the highest form of literature.
Alfred Hitchcock


Fame for me is like a place, a country I’m taking a tour through.
Dave Chappelle


Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up? All the time.
Wendy Mass


I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.
Arthur C. Clarke


We’ve had some fun tonight…considering we’re all gonna die someday.
Steve Martin


The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.
Edward Abbey


I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.
Marc Maron


My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.


More amusing sayings about life

  • Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
  • If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in good shape.
  • Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
  • I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
  • I don’t even believe myself when I say I’ll be ready in 5 minutes.

Short Funny Quotes About Life Lessons

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Life lessons quote

I say if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.
Tina Fey


Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.
Albert Camus


The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Albert Einstein


Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.
Voltaire


Don’t think about your errors or failures, otherwise you’ll never do a thing.
Bill Murray


A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
Don Marquis


If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
Dalai Lama


The road to success is always under construction.
Lily Tomlin


Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.
Rita Mae Brown


If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Lawrence Ferlinghetti


The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone’s advice.
Eddie Murphy


The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
Dorothy Parker


The world is a globe. The farther you sail, the closer to home you are.
Terry Pratchett


It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
Thomas Sowell


Funny lessons on life


You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.
Solomon Schechter


A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Charlie Chaplin


Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Dale Carnegie


A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.
Laurence J. Peter


Funny life lessons

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
Margaret Mead


You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try.’
Homer Simpson


A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
H. L. Mencken


To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
Ashleigh Brilliant


You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.
Dave Chappelle


As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.
Dick Cavett


Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter


Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Erma Bombeck


Quotations on life to bring a laugh

Funny life joke

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
Cathy Guisewite


Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Will Rogers


You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.
Ethel Barrymore


People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise.
Bill Murray


A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Winston Churchill


If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.
Billy Wilder


I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.
Drake


The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.
Bertrand Russell


God is at home, it’s we who have gone out for a walk.
Meister Eckhart


The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Harlan Ellison


Sane is boring.
R.A. Salvatore


Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin


If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
Woody Allen


Humorous sayings about life

Funny life lesson

All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
Alexander Woollcott


Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.
Spanish proverb


If you’re going through hell, keep going.
Winston Churchill


Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.
Ellen DeGeneres


Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.
Mark Twain


To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.
Doug Larson


Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.
Tina Fey


War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.
Ambrose Bierce


The happier we get, the less we see.
Asian Kid Meme


More laughable life lessons

  • I’m not arguing. I’m simply explaining why I’m right.
  • Am I perfect? No. But am I striving to be a better person every day? Also no.
  • When nothing is going right, go left.

Just Quirky & Odd: Short Funny Quotes

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Quirky quotes

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin


As the wise man once said, ‘So?’.
Will Ferrell


If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln


This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.
Oscar Wilde


I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg


Accept who you are, unless you’re a serial killer.
Ellen DeGeneres


I don’t want to be a vampire. I’m a day person.
Jim Carrey


I have nothing but respect for you – and not much of that.
Groucho Marx


Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life.
Will Ferrell


The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
Andy Rooney


Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.
Ozzy Osbourne


Unexpected short sayings

Life lesson joke

I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.
Mark Twain


I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.
Samuel Goldwyn


I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
Mitch Hedberg


I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Chris Rock


The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
Demetri Martin


If you must make a noise, make it quietly.
Oliver Hardy


If you come to a fork in the road, take it.
Yogi Berra


Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin


How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips


If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.
Stan Laurel


Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.
Oscar Levant


I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror.
Danny Zuker


More odd humorous quotations


If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
Jerry Seinfeld


A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Groucho Marx


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips


Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.
Benjamin Franklin


I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx


Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
Steve Martin


My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg


The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.
Zach Galifianakis


More odd funny sayings

  • Please cancel my subscriptions to your issues.
  • My brain has too many tabs open.
  • You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
  • Is ‘ugh’ an emotion? Because I feel it all the time.
  • Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face.
  • What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’?

Steven Wright quirky quotes

Comedian Steven Wright is known for his off-the-wall comedy routine. His dry, understated delivery leads you down a path, only to take a U-turn when you least expect it. Here are some examples of his funny takes.

  • What a nice night for an evening. 
  • What’s another word for Thesaurus? 
  • I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose. 
  • A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. 
  • I’m addicted to placebos.  
  • I intend to live forever. So far, so good. 
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 
  • I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
  • I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. 
  • The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 
  • You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? 
  • I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there. 
  • Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
  • I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 

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