Short Funny Quotes, Amusing Sayings
Humorous takes on life, love, work and more!
Use these short funny quotes to spice up a presentation, add punch to a social media post or just get a chuckle out of your friends! Topics cover everything from everyday life to relationships and achievement—expressed in as few words as possible.
Short Funny Quotes About Love, Life, Work & More!
Dorothy Parker once stated, “Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.” In that spirit, we present the following quotations to exercise your mind and put a smile on your face.
- Love & Relationship
- Health & Beauty
- Family & Friends
- Food & Drink
- Life & Living
- Life Lessons
- Quirky & Odd
Love & Relationship Quotations
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice.
Otto von Bismarck
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something.
I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?
Check out more short love quotes.
More short relationship sayings
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
R. D. Laing
I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
Marriage…it’s not a word, it’s a sentence.
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.
Short Funny Quotes About Women
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s; She changes it more often.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Man has his will, but woman has her way.
Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.
Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.
Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water and compliments.
I hate women because they always know where things are.
Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.
If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
Coffee, chocolate, men. The richer the better!
When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.
A man in love is like a clipped coupon – it’s time to cash in.
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.
Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!
All men are equal before fish.
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.
George Bernard Shaw
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
About Health & Beauty
Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.
I’m in shape. Round is a shape.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
You’re only as good as your last haircut.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
More beauty sayings
- If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.
- I just want my stomach to be as flat as my ass.
- Finally my winter fat is done. Now I have spring rolls.
- Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.
A two-year old is kind of like a blender, but you don’t have any top for it.
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.
Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.
Margaret Culkin Banning
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Never have more children than you have car windows.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Witty short quotes about money, career and work.
Work hard, nap hard.
Nothing is creepier than a bunch of adults being very quiet.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. Fields
I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.
I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.
A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
John F. Kennedy
It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?
Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.
Thomas A. Edison
Quirky quips on achievement
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Have no fear of perfection. You’ll never reach it.
The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.
John Maynard Keynes
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
I’d rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort.
J. Paul Getty
Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.
Aren’t we all striving to be overpaid for what we do?
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
They say love is more important than money… Have you tried paying your bills with a hug?
It’s only because of their stupidity that they’re able to be so sure of themselves.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
More achievement sayings
- My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5.
- I am not lazy. I am on energy saving mode.
- What was your key motivation for this piece? The due date.
- I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
- I’m sorry. I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.
- I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
About Family & Friendship
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.
Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.
As your best friend I’ll always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing.
Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
A child educated only at school is an uneducated child.
I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.
Daniel J. Boorstin
You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.
My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.
About Food & Drink
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something.
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge.
Short Funny Quotes About Life & Living
Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.
Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.
I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.
I can resist everything except temptation.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
Paul R. Ehrlich
I am only human, although I regret it.
Humorous thoughts on life and living
If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.
Great art is the contempt of a great man for small art.
F. Scott Fitzgerald
There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money.
Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.
Charles de Gaulle
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.
I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.
Funny life takes
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Political correctness is tyranny with manners.
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.
When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.
I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.
Hilarious takes on life
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Reality continues to ruin my life.
Puns are the highest form of literature.
Fame for me is like a place, a country I’m taking a tour through.
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up? All the time.
I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.
Arthur C. Clarke
We’ve had some fun tonight…considering we’re all gonna die someday.
The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.
I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
More amusing sayings about life
- Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
- If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in good shape.
- Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
- I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
- I don’t even believe myself when I say I’ll be ready in 5 minutes.
Short Funny Quotes About Life Lessons
I say if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.
Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.
Don’t think about your errors or failures, otherwise you’ll never do a thing.
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
The road to success is always under construction.
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.
Rita Mae Brown
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone’s advice.
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
The world is a globe. The farther you sail, the closer to home you are.
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
Funny lessons on life
You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.
Laurence J. Peter
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try.’
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
H. L. Mencken
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.
As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Quotations on life to bring a laugh
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.
People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.
The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.
God is at home, it’s we who have gone out for a walk.
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Sane is boring.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
Humorous sayings about life
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.
If you’re going through hell, keep going.
Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.
Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.
To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.
Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.
War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.
The happier we get, the less we see.
Asian Kid Meme
More laughable life lessons
- I’m not arguing. I’m simply explaining why I’m right.
- Am I perfect? No. But am I striving to be a better person every day? Also no.
- When nothing is going right, go left.
Just Quirky & Odd: Short Funny Quotes
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
As the wise man once said, ‘So?’.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Accept who you are, unless you’re a serial killer.
I don’t want to be a vampire. I’m a day person.
I have nothing but respect for you – and not much of that.
Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life.
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.
Unexpected short sayings
I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.
I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
If you must make a noise, make it quietly.
If you come to a fork in the road, take it.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.
I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror.
More odd humorous quotations
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.
More odd funny sayings
- Please cancel my subscriptions to your issues.
- My brain has too many tabs open.
- You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
- Is ‘ugh’ an emotion? Because I feel it all the time.
- Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face.
- What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’?
Steven Wright quirky quotes
Comedian Steven Wright is known for his off-the-wall comedy routine. His dry, understated delivery leads you down a path, only to take a U-turn when you least expect it. Here are some examples of his funny takes.
- What a nice night for an evening.
- What’s another word for Thesaurus?
- I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.
- A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
- I’m addicted to placebos.
- I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
- I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
- The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
- I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there.
- Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
- I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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