Short Funny Quotes, Amusing Sayings

Humorous takes on life, love, work and more!

Use these short funny quotes to spice up a presentation, add punch to a social media post or just get a chuckle out of your friends! Topics cover everything from everyday life to relationships and achievement—expressed in as few words as possible.


    Short Funny Quotes About Love, Life, & Work

    Dorothy Parker once stated, “Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.” In that spirit, we present the following quotations to exercise your mind and put a smile on your face.

    Love & Relationship Quotations

    Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
    Groucho Marx

    When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
    Richard Lewis

    Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
    Woody Allen

    Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice.
    Otto von Bismarck

    Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
    Francois de La Rochefoucauld

    Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
    Robert Frost

    My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
    Joan Rivers

    Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something.
    Enid Blyton

    I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
    Woody Allen

    I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
    Groucho Marx

    If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?
    Cynthia Heimel

    Check out more short love quotes.

    Short funny quotes – relationship sayings

    Marriage saying

    They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
    Clint Eastwood

    Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
    R. D. Laing

    I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
    Jack Benny

    Marriage…it’s not a word, it’s a sentence.
    Rodney Dangerfield

    Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
    Woody Allen

    Couple fighting quote

    Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
    Phyllis Diller

    Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
    Benny Hill

    Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
    Bill Maher

    Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.
    Woody Allen

    Short Funny Quotes About Women

    A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s; She changes it more often.
    Oliver Herford

    Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
    Jim Carrey

    Man has his will, but woman has her way.
    Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

    Shopping quote

    Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.
    Oscar Wilde

    Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.
    Groucho Marx

    Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.
    Desmond Morris

    Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
    James Thurber

    There are only three things women need in life: food, water and compliments.
    Chris Rock

    I hate women because they always know where things are.

    Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
    Oscar Wilde

    High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.
    Christopher Morley

    If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
    Hillary Clinton

    I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
    Steve Martin

    Coffee, chocolate, men. The richer the better!

    Short Funny Quotes About Men

    Funny relationship quote

    When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.
    Molly McGee

    A man in love is like a clipped coupon – it’s time to cash in.
    Mae West

    Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
    Francois de La Rochefoucauld

    Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.
    Kathy Lette

    Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!
    Groucho Marx

    All men are equal before fish.
    Herbert Hoover

    When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
    Prince Philip

    We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.
    George Bernard Shaw

    When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
    Rita Rudner

    The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
    Natalie Wood

    Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
    Groucho Marx

    A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.
    Zsa Zsa Gabor

    Health & Beauty short funny quotes

    Funny dieting quote

    Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.
    Jessica Simpson

    I’m in shape. Round is a shape.
    George Carlin

    Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
    Mark Twain

    I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
    Rodney Dangerfield

    You’re only as good as your last haircut.
    Fran Lebowitz

    Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
    Mark Twain

    The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
    Joan Rivers

    My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
    Caroline Rhea

    Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
    Mark Twain

    Beauty sayings

    • If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.
    • I just want my stomach to be as flat as my ass.
    • Finally, my winter fat is done. Now I have spring rolls.
    • Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.

    Short Funny Quotes About Parenting

    A two-year-old is kind of like a blender, but you don’t have any top for it.
    Jerry Seinfeld

    If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.
    Ann Landers

    Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.
    Margaret Culkin Banning

    If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
    Milton Berle

    Funny parenting quote

    Never have more children than you have car windows.
    Erma Bombeck

    When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
    Rodney Dangerfield

    Short Funny Quotes About Achievement

    Witty short quotes about money, career, and work.

    Work hard, nap hard.
    Demi Lovato

    Nothing is creepier than a bunch of adults being very quiet.
    Tina Fey

    A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
    W. C. Fields

    Funny achievement quote

    I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.
    Zach Galifianakis

    There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
    Henry Kissinger

    I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.
    Robin Williams

    I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need if I die by four o’clock.
    Henny Youngman

    Check out more short quotes about life, love, inspiration and more.

    A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
    Samuel Goldwyn

    If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
    George Carlin

    Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
    John F. Kennedy

    A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
    Bob Hope

    Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
    John Barrymore

    I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.
    Thomas A. Edison

    Quirky quips on achievement

    Funny money quote

    Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
    Oscar Wilde

    Have no fear of perfection. You’ll never reach it.
    Salvador Dali

    The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.
    John Maynard Keynes

    A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
    Milton Berle

    I’d rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort.
    J. Paul Getty

    Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
    Ronald Reagan

    The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.
    Bill Murray

    The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
    Will Rogers — check out 21 Best Will Rogers Quotes

    If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
    Earl Wilson

    Check out these Funny Toasts and Witty Cheers

    Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.
    Ellen DeGeneres

    Aren’t we all striving to be overpaid for what we do?
    Will Ferrell

    I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
    Charles Lamb

    Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
    Bertrand Russell

    They say love is more important than money… Have you tried paying your bills with a hug?
    Dave Chappelle

    Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
    Mark Twain

    Good achievement sayings

    • My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5.
    • I am not lazy. I am on energy-saving mode.
    • What was your key motivation for this piece? The due date.
    • I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
    • I’m sorry. I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.
    • I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.

    Short Funny Quotes About Family & Friendship

    Family tree joke

    I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
    Rodney Dangerfield

    Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
    George Burns

    Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.
    Greg Tamblyn

    Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.
    Oscar Wilde

    As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
    Buddy Hackett

    A best friend is like a four-leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.

    As your best friend, I’ll always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing.

    School Short Funny Quotes

    Children joke

    Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.
    Stephen Colbert

    We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
    Bryan White

    A child educated only at school is an uneducated child.
    George Santayana

    I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.
    Bill Watterson

    All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
    Casey Stengel

    Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.
    Daniel J. Boorstin

    You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.
    Bill Watterson

    My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.

    Short Funny Quotes About Food & Drink

    Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
    Miles Kington

    Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
    Benjamin Franklin

    I like Kit-Kat unless I’m with four or more people.
    Mitch Hedberg

    I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
    Steven Wright

    I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
    David Lee Roth

    One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
    George Carlin

    Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
    Jim Davis

    Funny drinking quote

    I drink to make other people more interesting.
    Ernest Hemingway

    An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.
    Dylan Thomas

    My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
    Mike Myers

    Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something.
    Mitch Hedberg

    Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
    Wilhelm II

    If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?

    Short Funny Quotes About Life

    Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
    Woody Allen

    You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.
    Jim Carrey

    The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
    Al McGuire

    Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
    Mark Twain

    My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.
    Ashleigh Brilliant

    Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
    Josh Billings

    Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
    Mark Twain

    Elvis impersonator joke

    If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
    Johnny Carson

    The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
    Abraham Lincoln

    The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.
    Paul Fix

    I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.
    Scott Adams

    I can resist everything except temptation.
    Oscar Wilde

    To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
    Paul R. Ehrlich

    I am only human, although I regret it.
    Mark Twain

    Humorous thoughts on life and living

    If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.
    Rob Corddry

    Great art is the contempt of a great man for small art.
    F. Scott Fitzgerald

    There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
    Oscar Levant

    God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
    Naguib Mahfouz

    May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
    George Carlin

    It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!
    Steven Weinberg

    I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
    Mark Twain

    I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money.
    Pablo Picasso

    Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.
    Oliver Goldsmith

    I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
    Lily Tomlin

    He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.
    Charles de Gaulle

    What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.
    Oscar Levant

    I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.
    Peter Cook

    Funny life takes

    Life purpose joke

    Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
    David Letterman

    If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
    Groucho Marx

    Political correctness is tyranny with manners.
    Charlton Heston

    If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
    Mitch Hedberg

    Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.
    James Thurber

    When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.
    Jane Wagner

    Clever short funny quotes

    I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
    Oscar Wilde

    All generalizations are false, including this one.
    Mark Twain

    Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
    Elbert Hubbard

    Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.
    Gertrude Stein

    People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
    Isaac Asimov

    Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise, they won’t come to yours.
    Yogi Berra

    Hilarious takes on life

    Funny life takes

    Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
    Robin Williams

    Reality continues to ruin my life.
    Bill Watterson

    Puns are the highest form of literature.
    Alfred Hitchcock

    Fame for me is like a place, a country I’m taking a tour through.
    Dave Chappelle

    Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up? All the time.
    Wendy Mass

    I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.
    Arthur C. Clarke

    We’ve had some fun tonight…considering we’re all gonna die someday.
    Steve Martin

    The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.
    Edward Abbey

    I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.
    Marc Maron

    My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

    Amusing sayings about life

    Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.

    If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in good shape.

    Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.

    I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.

    I don’t even believe myself when I say I’ll be ready in 5 minutes.

    Short Funny Quotes About Life Lessons

    I say if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.
    Tina Fey

    Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.
    Albert Camus

    Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.

    Don’t think about your errors or failures, otherwise, you’ll never do a thing.
    Bill Murray

    A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
    Don Marquis

    If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
    Dalai Lama

    The road to success is always under construction.
    Lily Tomlin

    Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.
    Rita Mae Brown

    If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
    Lawrence Ferlinghetti

    The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone’s advice.
    Eddie Murphy

    The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
    Dorothy Parker

    The world is a globe. The farther you sail, the closer to a home you are.
    Terry Pratchett

    It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
    Thomas Sowell

    Funny lessons on life

    You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.
    Solomon Schechter

    A day without laughter is a day wasted.
    Charlie Chaplin

    Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
    Dale Carnegie

    A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.
    Laurence J. Peter

    Funny life lessons

    Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
    Margaret Mead

    You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try.’
    Homer Simpson

    A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
    H. L. Mencken

    To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
    Ashleigh Brilliant

    You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.
    Dave Chappelle

    As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.
    Dick Cavett

    Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
    Laurence J. Peter

    Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
    Erma Bombeck

    Funny quotations short

    Funny life joke

    When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
    Cathy Guisewite

    Never miss a good chance to shut up.
    Will Rogers

    You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.
    Ethel Barrymore

    People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise.
    Bill Murray

    A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
    Winston Churchill

    I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.

    The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.
    Bertrand Russell

    God is at home, it’s we who have gone out for a walk.
    Meister Eckhart

    Sane is boring.
    R.A. Salvatore

    Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
    George Carlin

    If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
    Woody Allen

    Humorous quotations

    All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
    Alexander Woollcott

    Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.
    Spanish proverb

    If you’re going through hell, keep going.
    Winston Churchill

    Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.
    Mark Twain

    To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.
    Doug Larson

    Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.
    Tina Fey

    War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.
    Ambrose Bierce

    The happier we get, the less we see.
    Asian Kid Meme

    Laughable life lessons

    I’m not arguing. I’m simply explaining why I’m right.

    Am I perfect? No. But am I striving to be a better person every day? Also no.

    When nothing is going right, go left.

    Best, Short Funny Quotes

    Quirky quotes

    A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
    Steve Martin

    As the wise man once said, ‘So?’.
    Will Ferrell

    If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
    Abraham Lincoln

    This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.
    Oscar Wilde

    I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
    Mitch Hedberg

    I don’t want to be a vampire. I’m a day person.
    Jim Carrey

    I have nothing but respect for you – and not much of that.
    Groucho Marx

    Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life.
    Will Ferrell

    The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
    Andy Rooney

    Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.
    Ozzy Osbourne

    Unexpected short sayings

    I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.
    Mark Twain

    I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.
    Samuel Goldwyn

    I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
    Mitch Hedberg

    I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
    Chris Rock

    The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
    Demetri Martin

    If you must make a noise, make it quietly.
    Oliver Hardy

    If you come to a fork in the road, take it.
    Yogi Berra

    Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
    George Carlin

    How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
    Emo Philips

    If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.
    Stan Laurel

    Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.
    Oscar Levant

    I was just viciously body-shamed by my mirror.
    Danny Zuker

    Quote lovers will enjoy these cute short sayings about life

    Humorous quotes short

    If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
    Jerry Seinfeld

    A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
    Groucho Marx

    A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
    Emo Philips

    Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.
    Benjamin Franklin

    I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
    Groucho Marx

    Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
    Steve Martin

    My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
    Mitch Hedberg

    The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.
    Zach Galifianakis

    Weird funny sayings

    Please cancel my subscriptions to your issues.

    My brain has too many tabs open.

    You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

    Is ‘ugh’ an emotion? Because I feel it all the time.

    Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face.

    What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’?

    Bonus short funny quotes

    By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
    Robert Frost

    The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.
    Joe Girard

    Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late.
    Sam Levenson

    Life is like an onion; you peel off a layer at a time and sometimes you weep.
    Carl Sandburg

    Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
    William James

    People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.
    Zig Ziglar

    Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
    Charles M. Schulz

    If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the ;stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.
    Tina Fey

    Steven Wright quotes

    Comedian Steven Wright is known for his off-the-wall comedy routine. His dry, understated delivery leads you down a path, only to take a U-turn when you least expect it. Here are some examples of his funny takes.

    What a nice night for an evening.

    What’s another word for Thesaurus?

    I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.

    A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

    I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

    I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

    I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

    The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

    I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there.

    Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

    I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


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    By Greg Johnson | Published 1/8/2019

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