93+ Funny Toasts, Witty Cheers

Every toast you'll need to break the ice and keep them laughing

Use these funny toasts at weddings, parties, or any social gathering. They are all good for a laugh and will set a jovial and festive tone for any kind of celebration.

CONTENTS:

    The best funny toasts for any occasion

    Are you the best man, looking to toast the new couple? Need a funny line to congratulate your cousin on her new job? Or maybe you just need a witty drinking toast to get a chuckle from your friends at dinner? We’ve got you covered.

    These funny toasts cover a wide range of subject matter (and appropriateness), so take a spin through this list and choose your favorite!

    Funny drinking toasts

    1.) On the chest of a barmaid in Sale
    Were tattooed the prices of ale.
    And on her behind,
    For the sake of the blind,
    Was the same information in Braille!

    2.) We know it is true that we’re wicked,
    That our criminal laws are lax;
    But here’s to punishment for the man
    Who invented the income tax.

    3.) Here’s to It,
    And to It again.
    When you get to It,
    and can’t do It;
    Come see me,
    because I’m used to It!

    4.) To your very good health. May you live to be as old as your jokes.

    5.) Here’s to the man who is wisest and best
    Here’s to the man who with judgment is blest,
    And, here’s to the man who’s as smart as can be —
    I drink to the man who agrees with me!

    6.) Here’s to a man after my own heart.
    And after my house and my wife

    Check out more toasts for drinking here.

    Funny toasts image

    Funny ways to say “Cheers!”

    7.) Here’s to you. You may not be as wise as an owl, but you’re always a hoot.

    8.) Wise, kind, gentle, generous, sexy… but enough about me. Here’s to you.

    9.) May your coffee and slanders against you be ever alike–without grounds.

    10.) May we never forget
    what is worth remembering
    or remember
    what is best forgotten.

    11.) May our sons have rich fathers and beautiful mothers.

    12.) Here’s to those who’ve seen us at our best and seen us at our worst and can’t tell the difference.

    13.) May our children be blessed with rich parents!

    14.) To our best friends,
    who know the most about us,
    but refuse to believe it.

    15.) Here’s to the brilliant, warm, handsome… company that you keep.

    Check out The Old Fashioned Insider’s Guide

    VIDEO: Ted Talk on how to give a great toast

    Funny drinking quotes to toast

    16.) To the rapturous, wild, and ineffable pleasure
    Of drinking at somebody else’s expense.
    – Henry Sambrooke Leigh

    17.) Here’s champagne to our real friends
    And real pain to our sham friends.
    – Francis Bacon

    18.) Wise, kind, gentle, generous, sexy
    But enough about me here’s to you.
    – Anonymous

    19.) It is better to spend money like there’s no tomorrow
    Then to spend tonight like there’s no money.
    – P.J. O’Rourke

    20.) I used to know a clever toast
    But now I cannot think it
    So fill your glass to anything
    And damn your souls, I’ll drink it!
    – Wallace Irwin

    21.) Let us have wine and women
    Mirth and laughter
    Sermons and soda-water
    The day after.
    – Lord Byron

    See our Notable Groups of Five Feature.

    22.) Let us drink with impunity
    Or anyone else who’s buying.
    – W.C. Fields

    23.) Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
    – George Bernard Shaw

    24.) When the going gets weird
    The weird turn pro.
    – Hunter S. Thompson

    25.) I love to sing and I love to drink
    But most people like to hear me drink.
    – George Burns

    26.) Drink today and drown all sorrow
    You shall perhaps not do it tomorrow
    Best while you have it, use your breath
    There is no drinking after death.
    – Francis Beaumont & John Fletcher

    27.) Here’s hoping you live forever
    And mine is the last voice you hear.
    – Willard Scott

    Check out more Popular Toasts for Every Occasion

    Funny wedding toasts

    28.) To the two secrets to a long-lasting happy marriage:
    Here’s to a good sense of humor and a short memory!

    29.) Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.

    30.) To keep a marriage brimming
    with love in the loving cup –
    When you are wrong, admit it
    and when you are right, shut up!

    31.) [Bride] and [Groom], before I finish, I’d like you to turn to face each other. You’re now looking into the eyes of the person who is statistically most likely to murder you. To the bride and groom!

    32.) Before we raise our glasses to the happy couple, I’d like to make a toast to wives and lovers everywhere – may they never, ever cross paths!

    33.) Here’s to that moment of sweet repose
    When it’s cheek to cheek and nose to nose
    For after that moment of sublime delight
    It’s back to back for the rest of the night.

    The best wedding toasts for raising a glass to the new couple.

    VIDEO: 7 Easy Wedding Toasts

    Funny maid of honor toasts

    34.) I don’t get all dressed up for just anyone, but when two people who are so in love tell me to put on my fancy clothes, this is what happens.

    35.) Shakespeare said, “My heart is ever at your service.” I say, “Eat candy hearts and order room service.”

    36.) To the groom: Early in your marriage you will find it difficult to get the last word in any discussion. With time, though, you will learn how to always get the last two words in every discussion — just make sure the words are ‘Yes dear’.

    37.) May you live each day like your last, and live each night like your first.

    38.) As you slide down the banister of life, may all the marital splinters be pointed in the right direction.

    More maid of honor toasts.

    Funny best man toasts

    39.) Raise your glass and join me in congratulating you three: [Bride], [Groom] and the huge mound of debt you’ve just acquired from throwing this wedding!

    40.) A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal. That’s unfortunate for these two!

    41.) I hope you get so many wedding gifts that you don’t realize none are from me.

    42.) I never thought our bromance could be upstaged, but I humbly bow to the lovely bride who captured his heart.

    43.) Two bits of advice to the new bride: One, tell your new husband that you have to have one night a week out with the girls, and, two, don’t waste that night with the girls.

    44.) You two remind me of the classic couples. Romeo and Juliet. Homer and Marge. Gomez and Morticia.

    45.) I’m so glad we all had a night to rehearse getting tipsy for the wedding reception.

    More best man toasts and cheers.

    Funny quotes for wedding toasts

    46.) Love is blind – marriage is the eye-opener.
    – Pauline Thomason

    47.) By all means, marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
    – Socrates

    48.) Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
    – Phyllis Diller

    49.) I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.
    – Henny Youngman

    50.) Biochemically, love is just like eating large amounts of chocolate.
    – John Milton

    51.) A man’s wife has more power over him than the state has.
    – Ralph Waldo Emerson

    52.) Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery!
    – Erma Bombeck

    53.) My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me.
    – Winston Churchill

    54.) I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
    – Rita Rudner

    Looking for something shorter and easier to memorize? Check out these short toasts.

    More funny quotes for toasts

    55.) Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.
    – Cathy Carlyle

    56.) The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin.
    – Honore de Balzac

    57.) The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.
    – Anne Bancroft

    58.) Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.
    – Henry Kissinger

    59.) A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.
    – Anonymous

    60.) Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
    – Will Ferrell

    61.) Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.
    – Mickey Rooney

    62.) The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
    – Henny Youngman

    Famous toasts from movies and TV

    Witty and humorous toasts

    63.) I don’t know half of you half, as well as I, should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

    64.) Here’s to whiskey, scotch, and rye
    Amber, smooth, and clear
    Not as sweet as a woman’s lips
    But a damn sight more sincere.

    65.) Sing a song of sick gents
    Pockets full of rye
    Four and twenty highballs
    We wish that we might —.

    66.) Here’s to doing and drinking,
    Not sitting and thinking.

    67.) Drinks are on the house
    So someone get a ladder.

    68.) Here’s to staying positive and testing negative.

    See Semordnilap: Definition and Examples.

    Funny toasts for friends

    69.) Nothing but the best for our hostess. That’s why she has us as friends.

    70.) To H—. May the stay there be as enjoyable as the way there.

    71.) Here’s to the floor, who will hold you when no one else will.
    May we get what we want, but never what we deserve.

    72.) A toast to those who wish me well, and all the rest can go to h—.

    73.) Lift ‘em high and drain ‘em dry
    To the guy who says, “My turn to buy!”

    74.) Here’s to a long life and a happy one.
    A quick death and an easy one.
    A good girl and an honest one.
    A cold pint and another one.

    75.) What shall we drink to?
    To four in the morning!

    Joke toasts to make them laugh

    76.) I drank to your health in company.
    I drank to your health alone.
    And, I drank to your health so many times…
    I nearly ruined my own.

    77.) Here’s to you and here’s to me,
    I hope we never disagree,
    But if, perchance, we ever do,
    Then here’s to me, to h— with you.

    78.) Here’s to Eve, Mother of our race,
    Who wore a fig leaf in the right place.
    And to Adam, Father of us all,
    Who was Johnny-on-the-spot when the leaves began to fall!

    Famous toasts in history

    79.) May you be in Heaven fifteen minutes
    before the devil knows you are gone.

    80.) To our wives and girlfriends… may they never meet.

    81.) May we get what we want, but never what we deserve.

    82.) Another day another bender. No retreat, no surrender.

    83.) May we never go to h—, but always be on our way.

    More famous toasts in history and literature

    Funny toasts by nationality

    Funny Irish toasts / St. Patrick’s Day toasts

    83.) May you be in heaven an hour before
    The devil knows you’re gone.

    84.) ‘Tis better to buy a small bouquet
    And give to your friend this very day
    Than a bushel of roses white and red
    To lay on his coffin after he’s gone.

    85.) Here’s to the man who takes the pledge
    Who keeps his word and does not hedge
    Who won’t give up and won’t give in
    Till the last man’s out and there’s no more gin.

    86.) May you live all the days of your life.

    87.) Here’s to steak when you’re hungry
    Whiskey when you’re dry
    A lover when you need one
    And Heaven when you —.

    88.) Here’s to a long life and a merry one
    A quick death and an easy one
    A pretty girl and an honest one
    A cold drink—and another one.

    More famous Irish toasts.

    Famous Scottish toasts

    89.) People talk about our drinking
    But never about our thirst.

    90.) A round to the best
    May we never get less
    A round to the worst
    May they perish of thirst.

    Famous Yiddish toast

    91.) May you never go to h—
    But always be on your way.

    Famous Danish toast

    92.) Bottoms up or the rest in your hair.

    Famous Spanish toast

    93.) Better a well-known drinker
    Than an anonymous alcoholic.

    Famous English toast

    94.) Here’s mud in your eye!

    Tips for using funny toasts

    Pick out your favorite toast from this list and commit it to memory. It doesn’t have to be very long—some of the best and funniest toasts are the shortest ones. And that way it will be easier to remember!

    Your new toast will come in handy to mark any occasion with witty words and a cheer. Use a funny toast to break the ice at social gatherings or even get a laugh at the beginning of your wedding speech. Good luck!


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    About Listcaboodle

    By Greg Johnson | Published 2/26/2020

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