93+ Funny Toasts, Witty Cheers
Every toast you'll need to break the ice and keep them laughing
Use these funny toasts at weddings, parties, or any social gathering. They are all good for a laugh and will set a jovial and festive tone for any kind of celebration.
The best funny toasts for any occasion
Are you the best man, looking to toast the new couple? Need a funny line to congratulate your cousin on her new job? Or maybe you just need a witty drinking toast to get a chuckle from your friends at dinner? We’ve got you covered.
These funny toasts cover a wide range of subject matter (and appropriateness), so take a spin through this list and choose your favorite!
Funny drinking toasts
1.) On the chest of a barmaid in Sale
Were tattooed the prices of ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille!
2.) We know it is true that we’re wicked,
That our criminal laws are lax;
But here’s to punishment for the man
Who invented the income tax.
3.) Here’s to It,
And to It again.
When you get to It,
and can’t do It;
Come see me,
because I’m used to It!
4.) To your very good health. May you live to be as old as your jokes.
5.) Here’s to the man who is wisest and best
Here’s to the man who with judgment is blest,
And, here’s to the man who’s as smart as can be —
I drink to the man who agrees with me!
6.) Here’s to a man after my own heart.
And after my house and my wife
Funny ways to say “Cheers!”
7.) Here’s to you. You may not be as wise as an owl, but you’re always a hoot.
8.) Wise, kind, gentle, generous, sexy… but enough about me. Here’s to you.
9.) May your coffee and slanders against you be ever alike–without grounds.
10.) May we never forget
what is worth remembering
what is best forgotten.
11.) May our sons have rich fathers and beautiful mothers.
12.) Here’s to those who’ve seen us at our best and seen us at our worst and can’t tell the difference.
13.) May our children be blessed with rich parents!
14.) To our best friends,
who know the most about us,
but refuse to believe it.
15.) Here’s to the brilliant, warm, handsome… company that you keep.
Check out The Old Fashioned Insider’s Guide
VIDEO: Ted Talk on how to give a great toast
Funny drinking quotes to toast
16.) To the rapturous, wild, and ineffable pleasure
Of drinking at somebody else’s expense.
– Henry Sambrooke Leigh
17.) Here’s champagne to our real friends
And real pain to our sham friends.
– Francis Bacon
18.) Wise, kind, gentle, generous, sexy
But enough about me here’s to you.
19.) It is better to spend money like there’s no tomorrow
Then to spend tonight like there’s no money.
– P.J. O’Rourke
20.) I used to know a clever toast
But now I cannot think it
So fill your glass to anything
And damn your souls, I’ll drink it!
– Wallace Irwin
21.) Let us have wine and women
Mirth and laughter
Sermons and soda-water
The day after.
– Lord Byron
22.) Let us drink with impunity
Or anyone else who’s buying.
– W.C. Fields
23.) Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
– George Bernard Shaw
24.) When the going gets weird
The weird turn pro.
– Hunter S. Thompson
25.) I love to sing and I love to drink
But most people like to hear me drink.
– George Burns
26.) Drink today and drown all sorrow
You shall perhaps not do it tomorrow
Best while you have it, use your breath
There is no drinking after death.
– Francis Beaumont & John Fletcher
27.) Here’s hoping you live forever
And mine is the last voice you hear.
– Willard Scott
Check out more Popular Toasts for Every Occasion
Funny wedding toasts
28.) To the two secrets to a long-lasting happy marriage:
Here’s to a good sense of humor and a short memory!
29.) Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.
30.) To keep a marriage brimming
with love in the loving cup –
When you are wrong, admit it
and when you are right, shut up!
31.) [Bride] and [Groom], before I finish, I’d like you to turn to face each other. You’re now looking into the eyes of the person who is statistically most likely to murder you. To the bride and groom!
32.) Before we raise our glasses to the happy couple, I’d like to make a toast to wives and lovers everywhere – may they never, ever cross paths!
33.) Here’s to that moment of sweet repose
When it’s cheek to cheek and nose to nose
For after that moment of sublime delight
It’s back to back for the rest of the night.
VIDEO: Hilarious wedding toast!
Funny maid of honor toasts
34.) I don’t get all dressed up for just anyone, but when two people who are so in love tell me to put on my fancy clothes, this is what happens.
35.) Shakespeare said, “My heart is ever at your service.” I say, “Eat candy hearts and order room service.”
36.) To the groom: Early in your marriage you will find it difficult to get the last word in any discussion. With time, though, you will learn how to always get the last two words in every discussion — just make sure the words are ‘Yes dear’.
37.) May you live each day like your last, and live each night like your first.
38.) As you slide down the banister of life, may all the marital splinters be pointed in the right direction.
Funny best man toasts
39.) Raise your glass and join me in congratulating you three: [Bride], [Groom] and the huge mound of debt you’ve just acquired from throwing this wedding!
40.) A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal. That’s unfortunate for these two!
41.) I hope you get so many wedding gifts that you don’t realize none are from me.
42.) I never thought our bromance could be upstaged, but I humbly bow to the lovely bride who captured his heart.
43.) Two bits of advice to the new bride: One, tell your new husband that you have to have one night a week out with the girls, and, two, don’t waste that night with the girls.
44.) You two remind me of the classic couples. Romeo and Juliet. Homer and Marge. Gomez and Morticia.
45.) I’m so glad we all had a night to rehearse getting tipsy for the wedding reception.
Funny quotes for wedding toasts
46.) Love is blind – marriage is the eye-opener.
– Pauline Thomason
47.) By all means, marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
48.) Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
– Phyllis Diller
49.) I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.
– Henny Youngman
50.) Biochemically, love is just like eating large amounts of chocolate.
– John Milton
51.) A man’s wife has more power over him than the state has.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
52.) Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery!
– Erma Bombeck
53.) My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me.
– Winston Churchill
54.) I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
– Rita Rudner
Looking for something shorter and easier to memorize? Check out these short toasts.
More funny quotes for toasts
55.) Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.
– Cathy Carlyle
56.) The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin.
– Honore de Balzac
57.) The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.
– Anne Bancroft
58.) Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternising with the enemy.
– Henry Kissinger
59.) A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.
60.) Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
– Will Ferrell
61.) Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.
– Mickey Rooney
62.) The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
– Henny Youngman
Witty and humorous toasts
63.) I don’t know half of you half, as well as I, should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
64.) Here’s to whiskey, scotch, and rye
Amber, smooth, and clear
Not as sweet as a woman’s lips
But a damn sight more sincere.
65.) Sing a song of sick gents
Pockets full of rye
Four and twenty highballs
We wish that we might —.
66.) Here’s to doing and drinking,
Not sitting and thinking.
67.) Drinks are on the house
So someone get a ladder.
68.) Here’s to staying positive and testing negative.
Funny toasts for friends
69.) Nothing but the best for our hostess. That’s why she has us as friends.
70.) To H—. May the stay there be as enjoyable as the way there.
71.) Here’s to the floor, who will hold you when no one else will.
May we get what we want, but never what we deserve.
72.) A toast to those who wish me well, and all the rest can go to h—.
73.) Lift ‘em high and drain ‘em dry
To the guy who says, “My turn to buy!”
74.) Here’s to a long life and a happy one.
A quick death and an easy one.
A good girl and an honest one.
A cold pint and another one.
75.) What shall we drink to?
To four in the morning!
Joke toasts to make them laugh
76.) I drank to your health in company.
I drank to your health alone.
And, I drank to your health so many times…
I nearly ruined my own.
77.) Here’s to you and here’s to me,
I hope we never disagree,
But if, perchance, we ever do,
Then here’s to me, to h— with you.
78.) Here’s to Eve, Mother of our race,
Who wore a fig leaf in the right place.
And to Adam, Father of us all,
Who was Johnny-on-the-spot when the leaves began to fall!
Famous toasts in history
79.) May you be in Heaven fifteen minutes
before the devil knows you are gone.
80.) To our wives and girlfriends… may they never meet.
81.) May we get what we want, but never what we deserve.
82.) Another day another bender. No retreat, no surrender.
83.) May we never go to h—, but always be on our way.
Funny toasts by nationality
Funny Irish toasts / St. Patrick’s Day toasts
83.) May you be in heaven an hour before
The devil knows you’re gone.
84.) ‘Tis better to buy a small bouquet
And give to your friend this very day
Than a bushel of roses white and red
To lay on his coffin after he’s gone.
85.) Here’s to the man who takes the pledge
Who keeps his word and does not hedge
Who won’t give up and won’t give in
Till the last man’s out and there’s no more gin.
86.) May you live all the days of your life.
87.) Here’s to steak when you’re hungry
Whiskey when you’re dry
A lover when you need one
And Heaven when you —.
88.) Here’s to a long life and a merry one
A quick death and an easy one
A pretty girl and an honest one
A cold drink—and another one.
Famous Scottish toasts
89.) People talk about our drinking
But never about our thirst.
90.) A round to the best
May we never get less
A round to the worst
May they perish of thirst.
Famous Yiddish toast
91.) May you never go to h—
But always be on your way.
Famous Danish toast
92.) Bottoms up or the rest in your hair.
Famous Spanish toast
93.) Better a well-known drinker
Than an anonymous alcoholic.
Famous English toast
94.) Here’s mud in your eye!
Tips for using funny toasts
Pick out your favorite toast from this list and commit it to memory. It doesn’t have to be very long—some of the best and funniest toasts are the shortest ones. And that way it will be easier to remember!
Your new toast will come in handy to mark any occasion with witty words and a cheer. Use a funny toast to break the ice at social gatherings or even get a laugh at the beginning of your wedding speech. Good luck!
— Claire Evans
Claire writes about pop culture, entertainment, personalities, and movies.
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