Short Funny Quotes, Amusing Sayings
Humorous takes on life, love, work and more!
Use these short funny quotes to spice up a presentation, add punch to a social media post or just get a chuckle out of your friends! Topics cover everything from everyday life to relationships and achievement—expressed in as few words as possible.
Short Funny Quotes About Love, Life, & Work
Dorothy Parker once stated, “Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.” In that spirit, we present the following quotations to exercise your mind and put a smile on your face.
Love & Relationship Quotations
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Groucho Marx
When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
Richard Lewis
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
Woody Allen
Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice.
Otto von Bismarck
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
Robert Frost
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Joan Rivers
Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something.
Enid Blyton
I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Woody Allen
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?
Cynthia Heimel
Check out more short love quotes.
Short funny quotes – relationship sayings
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
R. D. Laing
I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
Jack Benny
Marriage…it’s not a word, it’s a sentence.
Rodney Dangerfield
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Woody Allen
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
Bill Maher
Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.
Woody Allen
Short Funny Quotes About Women
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s; She changes it more often.
Oliver Herford
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carrey
Man has his will, but woman has her way.
Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.
Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.
Oscar Wilde
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.
Groucho Marx
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.
Desmond Morris
Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
James Thurber
There are only three things women need in life: food, water and compliments.
Chris Rock
I hate women because they always know where things are.
Voltaire
Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
Oscar Wilde
High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.
Christopher Morley
If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
Hillary Clinton
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
Steve Martin
Coffee, chocolate, men. The richer the better!
Short Funny Quotes About Men
When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.
Molly McGee
A man in love is like a clipped coupon – it’s time to cash in.
Mae West
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.
Kathy Lette
Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!
Groucho Marx
All men are equal before fish.
Herbert Hoover
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Philip
We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.
George Bernard Shaw
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
Natalie Wood
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Groucho Marx
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Health & Beauty short funny quotes
Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.
Jessica Simpson
I’m in shape. Round is a shape.
George Carlin
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
You’re only as good as your last haircut.
Fran Lebowitz
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Mark Twain
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
Joan Rivers
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
Caroline Rhea
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
Mark Twain
Beauty sayings
- If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.
- I just want my stomach to be as flat as my ass.
- Finally, my winter fat is done. Now I have spring rolls.
- Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.
Short Funny Quotes About Parenting
A two-year-old is kind of like a blender, but you don’t have any top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.
Ann Landers
Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.
Margaret Culkin Banning
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Milton Berle
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Rodney Dangerfield
Short Funny Quotes About Achievement
Witty short quotes about money, career, and work.
Work hard, nap hard.
Demi Lovato
Nothing is creepier than a bunch of adults being very quiet.
Tina Fey
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. Fields
I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.
Zach Galifianakis
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry Kissinger
I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.
Robin Williams
I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need if I die by four o’clock.
Henny Youngman
Check out more short quotes about life, love, inspiration and more.
A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
Samuel Goldwyn
If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
George Carlin
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
John F. Kennedy
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
John Barrymore
I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.
Thomas A. Edison
Quirky quips on achievement
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Oscar Wilde
Have no fear of perfection. You’ll never reach it.
Salvador Dali
The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.
John Maynard Keynes
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle
I’d rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort.
J. Paul Getty
Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
Ronald Reagan
The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.
Bill Murray
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
Will Rogers — check out 21 Best Will Rogers Quotes
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Earl Wilson
Check out these Funny Toasts and Witty Cheers
Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.
Ellen DeGeneres
Aren’t we all striving to be overpaid for what we do?
Will Ferrell
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
Charles Lamb
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Bertrand Russell
They say love is more important than money… Have you tried paying your bills with a hug?
Dave Chappelle
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain
Good achievement sayings
- My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5.
- I am not lazy. I am on energy-saving mode.
- What was your key motivation for this piece? The due date.
- I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
- I’m sorry. I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.
- I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
Short Funny Quotes About Family & Friendship
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns
Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.
Greg Tamblyn
Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
A best friend is like a four-leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.
As your best friend, I’ll always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing.
School Short Funny Quotes
Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.
Stephen Colbert
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Bryan White
A child educated only at school is an uneducated child.
George Santayana
I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.
Bill Watterson
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel
Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.
Daniel J. Boorstin
You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.
Bill Watterson
My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.
Short Funny Quotes About Food & Drink
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Miles Kington
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
I like Kit-Kat unless I’m with four or more people.
Mitch Hedberg
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
George Carlin
Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
Jim Davis
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Ernest Hemingway
An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.
Dylan Thomas
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Mike Myers
Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something.
Mitch Hedberg
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
Wilhelm II
If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
Short Funny Quotes About Life
Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Woody Allen
You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.
Jim Carrey
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Al McGuire
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
Josh Billings
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Mark Twain
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Abraham Lincoln
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.
Paul Fix
I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.
Scott Adams
I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
Paul R. Ehrlich
I am only human, although I regret it.
Mark Twain
Humorous thoughts on life and living
If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.
Rob Corddry
Great art is the contempt of a great man for small art.
F. Scott Fitzgerald
There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Oscar Levant
God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
Naguib Mahfouz
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
George Carlin
It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!
Steven Weinberg
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
Mark Twain
I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money.
Pablo Picasso
Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.
Oliver Goldsmith
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.
Charles de Gaulle
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.
Oscar Levant
I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.
Peter Cook
Funny life takes
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
David Letterman
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Groucho Marx
Political correctness is tyranny with manners.
Charlton Heston
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
Mitch Hedberg
Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.
James Thurber
When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.
Jane Wagner
Clever short funny quotes
I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
Oscar Wilde
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Mark Twain
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Elbert Hubbard
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.
Gertrude Stein
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Isaac Asimov
Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise, they won’t come to yours.
Yogi Berra
Hilarious takes on life
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
Reality continues to ruin my life.
Bill Watterson
Puns are the highest form of literature.
Alfred Hitchcock
Fame for me is like a place, a country I’m taking a tour through.
Dave Chappelle
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up? All the time.
Wendy Mass
I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.
Arthur C. Clarke
We’ve had some fun tonight…considering we’re all gonna die someday.
Steve Martin
The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.
Edward Abbey
I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.
Marc Maron
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
Amusing sayings about life
Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in good shape.
Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
I don’t even believe myself when I say I’ll be ready in 5 minutes.
Short Funny Quotes About Life Lessons
I say if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.
Tina Fey
Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.
Albert Camus
Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.
Voltaire
Don’t think about your errors or failures, otherwise, you’ll never do a thing.
Bill Murray
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
Don Marquis
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
Dalai Lama
The road to success is always under construction.
Lily Tomlin
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.
Rita Mae Brown
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone’s advice.
Eddie Murphy
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
Dorothy Parker
The world is a globe. The farther you sail, the closer to a home you are.
Terry Pratchett
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
Thomas Sowell
Funny lessons on life
You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.
Solomon Schechter
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Charlie Chaplin
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Dale Carnegie
A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.
Laurence J. Peter
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
Margaret Mead
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try.’
Homer Simpson
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
H. L. Mencken
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
Ashleigh Brilliant
You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.
Dave Chappelle
As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.
Dick Cavett
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Erma Bombeck
Funny quotations short
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
Cathy Guisewite
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Will Rogers
You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.
Ethel Barrymore
People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise.
Bill Murray
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Winston Churchill
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.
Drake
The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.
Bertrand Russell
God is at home, it’s we who have gone out for a walk.
Meister Eckhart
Sane is boring.
R.A. Salvatore
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
Woody Allen
Humorous quotations
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
Alexander Woollcott
Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.
Spanish proverb
If you’re going through hell, keep going.
Winston Churchill
Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.
Mark Twain
To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.
Doug Larson
Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.
Tina Fey
War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.
Ambrose Bierce
The happier we get, the less we see.
Asian Kid Meme
Laughable life lessons
I’m not arguing. I’m simply explaining why I’m right.
Am I perfect? No. But am I striving to be a better person every day? Also no.
When nothing is going right, go left.
Best, Short Funny Quotes
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
As the wise man once said, ‘So?’.
Will Ferrell
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.
Oscar Wilde
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg
I don’t want to be a vampire. I’m a day person.
Jim Carrey
I have nothing but respect for you – and not much of that.
Groucho Marx
Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life.
Will Ferrell
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
Andy Rooney
Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.
Ozzy Osbourne
Unexpected short sayings
I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.
Mark Twain
I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.
Samuel Goldwyn
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
Mitch Hedberg
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Chris Rock
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
Demetri Martin
If you must make a noise, make it quietly.
Oliver Hardy
If you come to a fork in the road, take it.
Yogi Berra
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin
How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.
Stan Laurel
Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.
Oscar Levant
I was just viciously body-shamed by my mirror.
Danny Zuker
Quote lovers will enjoy these cute short sayings about life
Humorous quotes short
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
Jerry Seinfeld
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Groucho Marx
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Emo Philips
Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.
Benjamin Franklin
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx
Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
Steve Martin
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.
Zach Galifianakis
Weird funny sayings
Please cancel my subscriptions to your issues.
My brain has too many tabs open.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Is ‘ugh’ an emotion? Because I feel it all the time.
Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face.
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’?
Bonus short funny quotes
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
Robert Frost
The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.
Joe Girard
Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late.
Sam Levenson
Life is like an onion; you peel off a layer at a time and sometimes you weep.
Carl Sandburg
Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
William James
People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.
Zig Ziglar
Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
Charles M. Schulz
If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the ;stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.
Tina Fey
Steven Wright quotes
Comedian Steven Wright is known for his off-the-wall comedy routine. His dry, understated delivery leads you down a path, only to take a U-turn when you least expect it. Here are some examples of his funny takes.
What a nice night for an evening.
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Etcetera
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By Greg Johnson | Published 1/8/2019
