Drinking Jokes

Be the life of the party with these funny drinking jokes and one-liners.

We’ve assembled a hilarious list of drinking humor to get a laugh or a smile out of the toughest audience. Whether you’re heading out on the town or day drinking during a lockdown, you’ll find just the right line to share with your friends.

Drinking jokes add fun to cocktail hour

These jokes for drinking are sure to make your friends laugh. Let’s start with ten of our favorites.

Top 10 best drinking jokes

1.) Son, when I was your age there was no social media. You had to go to a bar and buy endless drinks to be ignored by multiple women.

2.) Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer… I saw the video… we need to talk.

3.) Hey bartender, I need a beer. I’ve got way too much blood in my alcohol system.

4.) Me: “I love you.”
You: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Me: “It’s me talking to the wine.”

5.) How do you know if someone likes craft beer? Don’t worry they’ll tell you.

6.) One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday – eight hours.

7.) I’m giving up drinking until Christmas!
Sorry, bad punctuation.
I’m giving up, drinking until Christmas!

8.) An epidemiologist, a scientist and a doctor walk into a bar…
Just kidding, they know better.

9.) I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That’s it. No more reading!

10.) I feel sorry for wild animals because it’s like they’re always camping without beer.

Drinking Jokes

Good drinking jokes

11.) A camel can work 10 days without drinking, I can drink 10 days without working.

12.) Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

13.) What have eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!

14.) Guy in bar: ”Have you got anything to drink?”
Bartender: “Water.”
Guy in bar: “I meant something harder?”
Bartender: “Ice.”

15.) Everyone has their own path, fortunately mine leads to the liquor store.

16.) Cop: “Have you been out drinking?”
Me: “Uh yeah, I’m 28, I’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times.”

17.) Tequila is a good drink: you drink it and you feel like a cactus; the only problem is that in the morning the thorns grow inward.

Check out these fun and interesting beer quotes.

Funny drinking jokes

18.) I was drinking last night and my house isn’t where I left it.

19.) He was in a pub when he proposed. It was very romantic — he got up on one knee.

20.) On your birthday, remember: don’t drink and tattoo.

21.) What’s the only drink size they allow in North Korea? A supreme liter.

22.) A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where is the bar tender?”

23.) He said his non-alcoholic wine was delicious, I said he had no proof.

24.) What did the bartender say when Charles Dickens ordered a Martini?
“Olive or twist?”

25.) What’s the difference of deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.75, but deer nuts are under a buck.

26.) ”Two beer or not two beer, that’s the question!” – William Shakesbeer

27.) I only drink on days beginning with “T”. Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow.

28.) Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

29.) When we were young, we would compare liquor and women. Now we compare statins.

30.) Math Teacher: “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?”
Student: “A drinking problem.”

31.) Went to an Abba-themed pub, the toilets were amazing.
What a loo!

32.) A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.

Drinking jokes and one-liners

One liners

33.) This beer tastes like I’m not going to work tomorrow.

34.) If you can’t be with the one you love, love the wine you’re with.

35.) Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.

36.) Life and beer are very similar. Chill for best results.

37.) Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent of losing a balloon.

38.) Beer…because you can’t drink bacon.

39.) Stop trying to make everyone happy. You’re not beer.

40.) Beer doesn’t have many vitamins, that’s why you have to drink lots of it.

Tea lovers will enjoy these tea quotes and sayings.

A man walks into a bar jokes

41.) A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender. He says, “you’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!”

42.) A neutron walks into a bar and asks, “how much for a beer?” The bartender replies, “for you? No charge!”

43.) A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm.
“Two pints, please. One for me and one for the road.”

44.) The bartender says “we don’t serve time travelers in here”. A time traveler walks into a bar.

45.) The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

46.) A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. As the bartender hands it to him, the man realizes he needs to go to the bathroom urgently. However, the bar is crowded, and he doesn’t want to leave his full beer on the bar because he’s afraid someone will drink it. After a sudden burst of inspiration, he pulls out a small pad of paper and writes on it: “I spit in this beer.” Putting the note on the beer, he heads off to the bathroom. When he returns, he’s delighted to see his full beer still sitting there with the note. Upon closer examination, though, he sees that someone has written on the note: “So did I.”

More walks into a bar jokes

47.) A ghost walks into a bar and asks for a whiskey. The bartender said “Sorry sir, we don’t serve spirits here!”

48.) A minister, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. “What is this,” asks the bartender, “some kind of joke?”

49.) A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

50.) An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it COULD happen!

51.) A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, “You look nice today.” A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, “That’s a nice shirt.” The guy asks the bartender, “Who is that?” The bartender says, “Those are the peanuts. They’re complimentary!”

52.) A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer and a mop.”

53.) An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful young woman and says, “So, do I come here often?”

54.) A tennis ball walks into a bar. The barman says, “Have you been served?”

An animal walks into a bar

55.) A duck walks in a bar and orders a beer then says “Put it on my bill.”

56.) A snake crawls into a bar and orders a whiskey, but the bartender won’t serve him because he can’t hold his liquor.

57.) An ox walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Off the wagon again?”

58.) A gorilla walks into a bar, orders a Mai Tai, and hands the bartender a $20 bill. After recovering from his shock, the bartender thinks, Hey, this gorilla doesn’t know how much drinks cost, and hands him back one dollar in change, saying, “We don’t get too many gorillas in here.” The gorilla replies, “At 19 bucks a drink, I’m not surprised.”

59.) A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The grasshopper says, “You have a drink named ‘Kevin’?”

You might also enjoy these coffee quotes and sayings.

Too much to drink jokes

60.) Had too much wine last night. Have no idea how I got home from the sofa.

61.) I found a message in a bottle. It said, “You drink too much.”

62.) What’s the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.

63.) What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink?
A cab.

64.) Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary, but I looked it up on whiskeypedia. And learned if you drink too much, it’s likely tequil-ya.

Beer humor

65.) Trust me, you can dance. – Beer

66.) I fear my last words will be ‘‘hold my beer and watch this.’’

67.) What is the definition of a balanced diet? A beer in each hand.

68.) Friends bring happiness into your life. Best friends bring beer.

69.) IPA a lot when I drink beer.

70.) My friend fell asleep in the bar, so I poured my ale on him to wake him up. It was a brewed awakening.

71.) How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.

72.) What did the beer sing on the beach? “Don’t worry. Be hoppy.”

73.) Never look at your beer as half empty. Look at it as halfway to your next beer.

74.) They say you can’t find happiness at the bottom of a beer. No kidding, who’s happy when their beer is empty?

75.) What do you never say to a policeman? “Sure let me grab my license. Can you hold my beer?”

76.) Beer is made from hops. Hops is a plant. Therefore beer is salad.

77.) Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive.

Wine jokes

78.) I decide which wine to drink on a case-by-case basis.

79.) Welcome to Twitter – if you are not already following a mom who drinks wine one will be assigned to you.

80.) Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

81.) Learn Wine First Aid! Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. If it doesn’t look like it’s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.

82.) I drink straight out of the wine bottle while cooking. I think that’s what they mean by reducing it.

83.) What did the grape say when it was crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

84.) I’ve trained my dog to bring me red wine.
It’s a Bordeaux collie.

85.) When you feel like crap from drinking wine, it’s called the grape depression.

Whiskey

86.) I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

87.) When Whiskey met Cognac at the mixer it was clear their relationship was on the rocks.

Check out these famous whiskey quotes and sayings.

A few more drinking jokes

88.) Q: What do you get when you mix English class with alcohol? A: Tequila Mockingbird

89.) A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died. “All right, son.” asked the father, “what does that show you?” “Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms.

90.) Q: What do Russians get when mixing Holy Water with Vodka? A: The Holy Spirit! 

91.) If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking fanta make you fantastic?

92.) Q: What does a ghost drink? A: Boos!

Funny drinking toasts

93.) One beer, two beer, three beer, four. Then I hit the floor.

94.) Roses are red, violets are blue. Poems are hard. Beer!

95.) To beer or not to beer, that is the question.

96.) In heaven, there is no beer, which is why we drink it here.

Check out more funny drinking toasts.

Another round: Funny drinking quotes

Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.
Steve Martin

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
Humphrey Bogart

Beer is made by men, wine by God.
Martin Luther

I distrust camels and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Ellis

Never underestimate how much assistance, how much satisfaction, how much comfort, how much soul and transcendence there might be in a well-made taco and a cold bottle of beer.
Tom Robbins

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
Oscar Wilde

I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer.
Abraham Lincoln

Why do I drink Champagne for breakfast? Doesn’t everyone?
Noel Coward

There comes a time in every woman’s life when the only thing that helps is a glass of Champagne.
Bette Davis

Whoever drinks beer, he is quick to sleep—whoever sleeps long, does not sin; whoever does not sin, enters Heaven! Thus, let us drink beer!
Martin Luther

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin. Then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
W. C. Fields

Check out more funny drinking quotes.


Thank you for reading Funny Drinking Jokes. You may also enjoy the following drinking lists:

The Bloody Mary

The Old Fashioned

Milk Sayings