17 Classic Dad Jokes to Embarrass Your Kids
Corny and cringeworthy, but dang if I didn't see you smiling.
What do you think of when you hear the expression ‘dad jokes’?
Cringe-worthy. Simplistic. Predictable.
Dad jokes are the realm of the man who reaches for the easy laugh. He won’t hesitate to use a pun if he has to. Usually, it’s your uncle, dad, or even the plumber making a service call. You know the type.
When you hear a joke like one of these, you’ve heard it before. He’ll go through his entire repertoire of awful jokes, just as long as he’s got an audience. We’ve collected some of the best here. So sit back, prepare to laugh uncomfortably, and enjoy!
There’s no escaping these cheesy dad jokes
- I’m thinking about getting a new haircut…
I’m going to mullet over. - Why can’t you have a nose 12 inches long?
Because then it would be afoot. - I asked my son if he had seen my newspaper.
He told me that newspapers are old school.
He said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me his iPad.
That fly didn’t stand a chance. - Knock knock
Who’s there?
Dishes.
Um, Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery. - What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
Bison. - Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field. - What time did the man go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y. - Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
Note: These dad jokes work well on Father’s Day cards and social media posts.
“The more annoying I am to my child, they’re still my child and I’m still their dad. You’re not going to sever this relationship over a bad joke”
-Jerry Seinfeld
Corny dad jokes to make you feel at home
The cashier asks: “Would you like your milk in the bag?”
I reply: “No, just keep it in the carton, thanks.”
What is Forest Gump’s Facebook password?
1forest1
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda-pressing!
Did you read about the guy who got killed falling into a machine at the glasses factory?
Really made a spectacle of himself.
Mr. Duck hands some ChapStick to the pharmacist who asks “Will you be paying cash or check?”
The duck says, “Just put it in my bill.”
You might like Funny Elephant Jokes
Good Dad Jokes
- There once was a man fired from the orange juice factory.
Why? Oh, he couldn’t concentrate! - Me: “Brrrrr! It’s freezing – I’m cold in here!”
Dad: “Hi Cold, I’m Steve. Nice to meet you.” - What do alligators drink when they’re thirsty?
Gatorade. - Can February March?
No, but April May. - Dad, can you put my shoes on?
I don’t think they’ll fit me. - What is a soft drink’s favorite musical?
Fanta of the Opera. - Son: I’ll call you later.
Dad: Don’t call me later, call me Dad. - I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro…
It’s a total rip-off! - What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta. - What did the drummer call his twins?
Anna 1, Anna 2.
Check out these Funny Jokes for Kids.
A man walks into a bar jokes
- A guy walks into a wedding reception. He goes up to the bartender and asks, “Is this the punch line?”
- Ok, a skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a beer, and a mop.”
- A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The barman says, “Have you been served?” - A man walks into a bar and was disqualified from the limbo contest.
- Louie Armstong walks into a bar in Tibet where the high priest is the bartender. Louis says, “Hello, Dalhi!”
- A cat walks into a bar. Then out of the bar. And, then back in. Then out again.
Classic dad jokes
- A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
- What did one ocean say to the other? Nothing, they just waved.
- The best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag’s a big plus.
- Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
- I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
- A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The grasshopper says, “You have a drink named Bill?”
- What rhymes with orange? No, it doesn’t.
- Where did George Washington keep his armies?
In his sleevies!
Cheesy Jokes
- Why do SCUBA divers fall backward out of the boat?
Because if they fell forwards they would still be in the boat! - Why is it a good idea to take two shirts when you go golfing?
In case you get a hole in one. - A man is talking to God, he asks “God, what is a million dollars to you?”
God replies, “A million dollars is as a single cent.”
The man then asks, “God, what is a million years to you?”
God says “A million years is as a second.”
Then man then asks “God, can I have a cent?”
“Sure,” says God, “Just a sec.” - Why can’t a bicycle stand up by itself?
Because it’s too tired.
Have you become your father? Take the dad test.
Favorite dad jokes for any occasion
- A Spanish magician said he’d disappear on the count of three. So, he goes Uno, dos, and disappears without a tres!
- Want to hear a joke about construction?
Nah, I’m still working on it. - Have you heard about the circus?
It’s intense. - What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt. - Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar?
He got 12 months. - What happens if a frog parks illegally?
They get toad. - What’s brown and sticky?
A stick. - A piece of string that’s all tangled up walks into a bar and asks for a drink, the barman says, “Are you a piece of string, cause we don’t serve string here.” The string looks at him and says, “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”
- What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
Get in the car. - A man goes to the barber and the barber asks, “How would you like your hair cut?”
In silence. - Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Edge.
Edge who?
God bless you!
Elevator Jokes — For Those Who Like Uplifting Humor
- I hate elevators… I’ve been taking steps to avoid them.
- Elevator jokes can literally drive you up the wall.
- The elevator business has its ups and downs.
- What happens when you put a cow in an elevator?
You’re raising the steak. - Thank an elevator today for picking you up when you were down.
- Elevator puns are bad on so many levels. But, you should always keep a door open to them.
- You know what they say about the prison elevator, don’t you?
It’s condescending. - My first time riding an Otis elevator was an uplifting experience. But, the second time let me down.
- A salesperson came to the door and asked if I considered selling elevators to friends and family.
I’m sick and tired of multi-level marketing. - I take the stairs always while my brother prefers the elevator.
I guess we were raised differently. - Hey stepdad, how is an elevator different from an escalator?
No stepson.
One-liners
- It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
- Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular.
- I, for one, like Roman numerals.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- I gave all my dead batteries away today — free of charge!
- When corduroy pillows were invented, they made headlines.
- Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.
- The past, present & future go to a bar; things were tense.
- The invention of the spade was groundbreaking.
The ultimate dad jokes
- When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punch line becomes apparent.
- I have a serious problem. I’m addicted to hot turkey sandwiches. I’m afraid the only way to quit is to go cold turkey.
- What do you call a person who tells dad jokes but has no kids? A faux pa.
Many dads are from that generation where good-natured – although frequently corny – humor was popular. The only advice I can give you is to just grin and bear it.
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By Greg Johnson | Published 8/17/2017
